MYSTERY SUBURBAN THEATER 3000 "The only suburban house in the world to MST your fanfiction!" http://suburbanmark.tripod.com EPISODE 103 "The Gundam Wing Story" Original Gundam Wing story by: AC195 MSTed by: "Suburban Mark" mst_mark@yahoo.com AND "Dear Nintendo" Original work by: Alex MSTed by: "Suburban Mark" mst_mark@yahoo.com LEGAL STUFF: "The Gundam Wing Story" is copyrighted to AC195, It is being MSTed with his permission, which of course I thank him very much for, and hope he enjoys this MSTing, even if it is his story. "Dear Nintendo" (for lack of a better title) is copyrighted to Alex. It is being MSTed without her permission due to dead e-mail address. She can request it be removed if she wishes, but no harm is intended here. "Gundam Wing" is copyrighted to Viz Communications and its distributors. "Pokemon" is copyrighted to and registered by Nintendo, Inc. and Game Freaks, Inc. "Mystery Science Theater" and "Mystery Science Theater 3000" are copyrighted by and registered to Best Brains, Inc, and its distributors. "Golden Girls" and affliated characters are copyrighted by and registered to Buenva Vista Productions and Touchstone Pictures. "Mystery Suburban Theater" and affliated characters are copyrighted to Mark Johnson, although they aren't worth stealing anyway. SUBURBAN HOUSE OF EVIL "Doctor, we have a problem," Gregory said, his voice strained with urgency. "Yes, Gregory?" Dr. Kivlington said. "None of my test subjects have escaped, have they?" "No, nothing like that. Actually, Mr. Randolph is here. You know, from the homeowner's association." "Mr. Randolph? But he's a very nice man! What could be the problem?" Gregory sighed. "I told you that they would take objection to your sign." Dr. Kivlington took on an air of stubbornness. "I should have the right to display whatever I please in front of my house! Homeowner's rules be damned!" "Look, why don't you just speak with Mr. Randolph? I'm sure even you will realize that what he says makes sense," Gregory assured him. "All right, all right, send him in." Gregory had to keep himself from collapsing from shock. "Doctor! This whole house is your evil lab, where you keep four teenagers in captivity for your experiments! Not only is that illegal, but I believe that it goes against the homeowner's rules." "He won't care! Mr. Randolph and I are good friends." Before Gregory could move to stop him, Dr. K yelled loudly. "Mr. Randolph! Do come down so we can talk!" Gregory hastily began planning escape routes and made sure he had enough cash for a quick plane ride to Canada. Mr. Randolph, the bright artifical lights of the lab area reflecting off his bald spot, came down and immeadiately began to wonder what all the machines were for. "They are for my experiments, of course," said Dr. K. "And those would be?" "Well, this, for example," Dr. K said, holding up a small, three-foot- tall robot. Gregory wondered if perhaps the Doctor was smart enough to not mention the kids. More likely, he had forgotten about them. "A robot?" Mr. Randolph did not know much about technology. He still felt a VCR was an amazing device that could never be topped, even though it already had been. "It was supposed to be a cleaning robot, but instead I inserted protocols to make it behave like Sophia from my favorite TV show, 'Golden Girls'," explained Dr. K happily. "What?" said Mr. Randolph and Gregory at the same time. "You heard him, didn't you? Or are you too stupid?" the robot said, in a nasally old-woman voice eerily similar to Estelle Getty. "Oh dear God," said Gregory. "I didn't quite get it right, though," Dr. K admitted. "He's an idiot, but I still like him," the robotic Estelle said. "Well, anyway," said Mr. Randolph, hoping to put the robot out of his mind forever, "Doctor, we must request you take down the sign in your front yard." "Why? Afraid it will ruin the conformity of this uptight community?" accused Dr. K. "No, not quite. See, it says, 'Suburban House of Evil' in big bold letters." "And?" Mr. Randolph had dealt with Dr. Kivlington before, and he knew ahead of time that he was going to need to explain things patiently and slowly. "That's not the kind of image we want to project to people hoping to move into the neighborhood. You know, that we're evil." "Oh. Well, I suppose I'll take it down. I'm nothing if not flexible." "Thank you," said Mr. Randolph. EstelleBot, which had been quiet for a while, responded, "You're welcome, pussycat." "I'm leaving now," Mr. Randolph, who had always found 'Golden Girls' to be creepy, said quickly. "Good-bye," said Dr. K to Mr. Randolph's retreating form. "Nice man," he said to Gregory. Before his assistant could inquire about EstelleBot with questions like, "What the hell?", Dr. Kivlington continued, "Now, bring up those kids on the screen, we have experiments to get to!" BASEMENT OF CAPTIVITY "Maybe the Doctor forgot about us," Leile suggested, knowing it was easily within the realm of possibility. The four captives were attempting to figure out why no call had come, even though it was the usually scheduled time. "Maybe we've been found, and the police are busting him right as we speak," said Dio. "Or maybe he's been abducted by aliens!" said Trey. "You've been reading too many of those websites," muttered Paige. Suddenly, the screen in their living room turned on. "Hello, kids," said the smiling visage of Dr. Kivlington. Gregory stood behind him, looking apphrensive. "Special K, I thought you'd never call," said Dio. "Quiet, kid, and leave the one-liners to the professionals," said an angry EstelleBot, leaping into view on the screen. "What the hell!?" exclaimed Trey. "It's his new friend. A robot programmed with the personality and voice of Estelle Getty," Gregory explained, looking pained. "I repeat my question," Trey said, not satisfied. "I was going to give it to you kids, but I decided to keep it for myself," Dr. K told them. "Now, Gregory, enlighten them as to the nature of today's fanfiction." "Hop to it!" EstelleBot ordered. It showed a great loyalty to its creator. "I can move faster than you and I'm in my eighties!" Ignoring the diminutive robot, Gregory said, "Today's selection is a piece inspired by the "Gundam Wing" series, where a bunch of bishounens suit themselves into giant mechas and proceed to beat the crap out of anyone who dares oppose them. This happens a lot." "Great, bishounens..." said Dio under his breath. "Also included, for your viewing pleasure, and also in the hopes that you'll go stupid, of course, is a short letter intended for Nintendo regarding the Pokemon series. Enjoy," said Gregory, feeding the fanfic in. The big FANFIC sign lit up, and alarms buzzed. "We've got fanfic sign!" cried Paige. The four teens headed for the theater. [Doors: 6-5-4-3-2-1] Leile: I have a bad feeling about this... >The Gundam Wing Story Dio: It's THE Gundam Wing story. Paige: There are no others, just this one. >A Fanfic By: AC195 Trey: With collaboration by siblings AC196 and AC197. >Chapter 1 - Wufei is Annoying Dio: Ain't it the truth. > >The sky was blue, as it always was in the colony. The sky was always blue >because it was a fake sky, produced by people. Paige: As opposed to squirrels. Trey: You'd think they'd at least liven things up a little, maybe by using Some clouds or something. >Sometimes it turned dark and presented an unmoving fake moon. Leile: Well, this must be the ritzy colony. Trey: It can afford day and night! >This was just stupid-looking. Dio: Was it done by Andy Warhol? Leile: Or did Dale Chihuly do it on a piece of glass? >Our hero, Heero, last name Yuy, looked up at this fake sky from his >apartment window and scowled. Paige: He's been taking lessons from Li in 'Is that true?' >He always scowled. He basically scowled at everything. Dio: Well, that's real attractive. Trey: Bet the chicks love him. >His roommate, Chang Wufei, came over. Paige: Somehow I don't think Wufei or Heero would ever want to live with each other. >"I got pizza!" he said. Leile: Anchovies and pepperoni, my favorite! >"Okay," said Heero. Dio: ...scowling. >"Want to eat some?" >"Too greasy. And I already ate." Leile: Wow, this is exciting. Trey: Yeah, I love it when authors catch your interest quickly. Dio: ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzz... Leile: Wake up. >"Why don't you call Relena?" >"Why would I do that?" Paige: Honestly, Wufei, you idiot. Dio: Because she wants to make love to you! What other reasons do you need? >"I don't know, seems like a fun idea." Trey: Fun like being electrocuted. >"Fun? I doubt that." >"Well, she wanted you to call her. She told you that three weeks ago." Dio: Oh, yeah... Leile: Well, he could call her, but on the other hand, it might be fun to make her wait. >"She's busy." Heero shrugged. "She doesn't need me calling her." >"Okay," said Wufei. Paige: Wufei's easily swayed. Dio: I am a master debater! Leile: That was unnecessary. >"I just think you need a woman in your life. Trey: Wufei: The Ladies' Man. >Just look at what having Hilde is doing for Duo!" Dio: Actually, if you remove 'what having', 'is', and 'for', you have a pretty good sentence. >"I hesitate to think about what those two are doing." Paige: Because I don't want to get nightmares. >"Let's not get nasty." Leile: Ewwww... Dio: Hey, I never wanted us to! >Heero scowled at Wufei. >"Well, want to play chess?" said Wufei. Trey: Can I take your mind off the nastiness? >"Fine." >So they played. Paige: Oh, I see! 'Chess' was just a codeword for 'nasty'! Dio: Ahhh... Leile: No! >Wufei won. Trey: Although he cheated. Dio: Hey, that's your third queen this game! >He did his victory dance, which Heero watched with slight amusement. >"That's five games in a row, Heero. You're losing it!" Dio: In fact, you never even had it! >"Whatever." Leile: Heero's dialogue provided by Madison Taylor. >Chapter 2 - The Dinner Paige: Does this detail the exciting prospect of Wufei eating his pizza? >"I'm so glad we finally have peace," said Relina Peacecraft, in her home. Trey: Ah, yes, the beautiful Peacecraft residence. Leile: Where the residents curse the fact they have the idiot name 'Peacecraft' daily. >"I'm also glad Heero survived. Dio: Even though he treats me badly. >But... I am sad that my brother is dead." Paige: That's to be expected. Leile: Well, you can't have EVERYTHING you want, Relena. >Her brother was Miliardo Peacecraft, who assumed the name Zechs Marquis Dio: Even though, unbelievably, it sucks even more than Miliardo Peacecraft. Trey: Is that because 'Zechs Marquis' makes him sound vaguely French? >and became the leader of the revolutionary group the White Fang. Leile: A group, by the way, that did real well with him at the helm. Trey: More of that lovely sarcasm. >From across the table, Lucrezia Noin laughed. Paige: Talk about callous. Dio: I laugh at your brother's death! Ha ha ha ha! >"I doubt he's dead." >"Why do you say that? Leile: This isn't a soap opera, Noin. >Heero said he was right there next to the power source of the piece of the >Libra when he exploded it. Leile: Looks like Noin forgot to take her medication. Trey: Huh? Did she say Heero was there when it exploded? Paige: And did she say he 'exploded it'? Leile: I think it's time to move on. >There's no way my brother could have survived." Dio: Relena's a real downer. >Lady Un, also at the table as the three women dined on chicken, Paige: Err, that's a bit odd to have the three of them hanging out. Leile: And eating chicken. >said, "It's really sad about his Excellency." >"Would you stop calling him that, and call him Treize!?" said Noin. Trey: He's dead, so you can drop the formalities! It's not like he is going to complain. >"Sorry, I can't help it." Dio: Old habits die hard. Unlike Treize. Trey: Rimshot. >They spoke of Treize Khushrenada, who was killed in a duel with Wufei >while piloting the Tallgeese. Paige: This brings up an interesting point. What the hell kind of name is 'Tallgeese' for something that is supposed to be dangerous? Dio: I don't know. >"Maybe he's not dead, either," said Relina. >"Maybe not," said Noin. Leile: No plot hole is impossible here! >Chapter 3 - Zechs, the Common Thief > >Alone in a rundown diner on Earth, a man silently eats his meal. Paige: For one thing, he had his mouth closed. >Him being the only customer in the diner, the waitress and chef working >there can't help but stare at him, trying to figure out what he did. Leile: I think he ordered too many eggs, myself. >"I think he is an important military or political leader, trying to have a >peaceful meal," said the chef. Dio: Lots of important military or political leaders come into your rundown diner, Mr. Chef? >"I think he is a bum with a few bucks and nice clothes," countered the >waitress. Paige: That was rather rude. Trey: Okay, you're only getting a 10% tip now. >"Oh, that makes a lot of sense!" argued the chef. Leile: The chef has been taking debate classes, I see. >"I'm neither," said the man. Dio: Well, we never would have guessed that. Leile: Oh, hi Neither. I'm the Chef. >The waitress and chef turned red. "Sorry, we didn't mean for you to >hear." Paige: Oh, yeah? Then why did you talk loud enough to be heard three blocks away? >"No matter. Dio: I don't mind being insulted behind my back by waitresses in rundown diners. >I'll tell you who I am. I am a former Oz soldier. I am the former leader >of the White Fang! Leile: I am... Batman! >I am, not Miliardo, but Zechs Marquis!" Dio: Shocking! Trey: Not really, considering the title of the chapter. >"I thought you were dead," said the chef, scratching his head. Paige: This throws my whole belief system into chaos. >"Well, do I look dead to you?" asked Zechs. Leile: It's a simple question. >"No." >"Okay. I was able to survive, amazingly, the huge explosion caused by me >exploding the power source in that piece of Libra. I don't know how I was >able to survive, Trey: That's okay, neither does the author. >but all I remember is waking up while floating in space in the broken-down >Epyon," explained Zechs. Paige: Why is he telling the chef of a diner all this? Dio: It's good to get things like this off your chest. >"Interesting." Leile: Actually, boring. Please leave now. >"I have worked the past year rebuilding Epyon. The process has been slow, Trey: I'll say. A year? Paige: See, the problem is, the instruction manual of the Epyon was originally written in Mandarin, then translated into English by a monkey. Dio: Sounds like the instructions to a VCR I once had. >but now, I shall battle Heero to the death! For we must battle, for >reasons that I can't explain." Leile: And that's good enough for me! >"Okay." Paige: You nut. >"Now! I must go, and find Heero!" And with that, Zechs left the diner. >The chef ran after him. Trey: Oh, I was so engrossed by your story! Take me with you! >"Hey!" he yelled. "Zechs whoever...get back here, you forgot to pay!" Dio: I paid with my tales of woe, did I not? Leile: This isn't the 1400s. We accept only Visa and cash. >Zechs realized that he didn't have any money. Paige: So the waitress was right! He IS a bum with nice clothes. >"Oh, right, sorry, of course..." he laughed absently. Then he took off >running. The chef soon gave up chase because he was out of shape, and >Zechs smiled to himself. Dio: Ha ha ha! I stole five dollars worth of food from the chef with very little money! Leile: Do you feel like a big man, Zechs? >He then felt the need for a candy bar. Paige: Not paying for anything in a while? Grab a Snickers. >Entering the local market, he quickly slipped a candy bar into his >trenchcoat. Then he grabbed a gallon of milk and set it for the cashier >to ring up. Trey: Umm, why? He doesn't have any money! Leile: Logic doesn't exist here. >"That will be three dollars and thirty-five cents," said the cashier. >"What!? This is an outrage!" said Zechs. Paige: He's right. That's a ridiculous price for milk. Dio: Prices provided by the 'Kwik-E-Mart' and Apu. >And he tossed the milk across the store, where it exploded open, spilling >milk all over the floor. Trey: The role of Zechs will now be played by Tom Green. Dio: 'Exploded' is one of the author's favorite words. >"You are paying for that," said the cashier. >"Ha, joke's on you, I don't have any money!" Leile: This is like a bad episode of 'Candid Camera'. >And he ran away, making sure the candy bar was safely tucked away. Dio: God forbid he forget that. >Of course, Zechs had no money because it took all he could get to pay for >the rebuilding of the Epyon. Trey: Of course. >Epyon didn't rebuild itself! Paige: It's not a starfish! >He had to pay the also surprisingly still alive Treize to rebuild it. Dio: So, that's how we are introduced to the fact that Treize is still alive? Leile: It's just kind of thrown onto you. Trey: Why does Zechs need Treize to do it? Can't he do it himself? >At first, Treize refused, but then Zechs offered lots of money. Then >Treize didn't refuse. Dio: Moneymoneymoney... Money! >But right now, he had a phone call to make. To Heero Yuy. Trey: Although it was long distance from the Earth to a random colony floating around somewhere. >Chapter 4 - The Baseball Game Leile: We taking a break from the hard-paced action of this story? >At Wufei and Heero's apartment, the phone rang. Wufei answered, "What do >you want?" Paige: That's hardly polite. Leile: Well, I was going to offer you one million dollars, but now, I'm not so sure. Dio: Wufei would be fired from a job as a customer service rep very quickly. >He listened to the voice on the other line. He sighed, and said, "Hold >on." >He went and knocked on the bathroom door, Trey: I don't know why you want to listen to me flush the toilet. >where Heero had been for a half-hour. Paige: He's having a bit of trouble, I see. Leile: Someone need some laxatives? >"Phone is for you, Heero!" Dio: I'm busy here! >Heero opened the door a crack and reached out, quickly grabbing the phone >and slamming the door shut. Trey: Riiiiiiight. >Wufei wondered what the heck that crazy Heero was doing in the bathroom >that was so secretive, Leile: That crazy Heero character! Always getting into some zany trouble. Dio: I think Heero was an extra on 'Tiny Toons'. >but he couldn't get an answer from Heero if he asked, so he just shrugged. >"Hello?" questioned Heero. Paige: This better be good. >"Hi, I work for the Gremlins, one of the local baseball teams here. Leile: Where? All: Here! Leile: Ah, I see! >I understand you saved the earth." >"Well, I wouldn't say that exactly." Dio: I would say it more like, 'assisted in not destroying the earth', really. >"Sure you would!" said the voice on the other line. Paige: Okay, if you say so. >"I want you to throw out the first pitch at our next baseball game >tomorrow." Trey: A just reward for saving the planet from destruction. Dio: We'll also give you a shiny plaque! >"Well, forget it. I'm not throwing out the first pitch." Leile: Would he rather throw out the second? >"Yes, you are! We already sent you a check and you cashed it in." Paige: He got paid to throw out the first pitch? Trey: I knew I should have questioned that mystery check before cashing it in! >Heero sighed when he realized Wufei must have cashed the check in and >bought something. Dio: Damn that infernal Wufei! >Maybe it was those new pants he kept showing off to Heero. Leile: I'm sure Heero was very impressed with the Wufei's new pants. >He had to get back at Wufei later. Paige: I'll take his pizza money. >"Fine," he sighed into the phone. "I'll be there. What time?" >"Uh, how about two?" Trey: Are you letting me decide when to start the game? >"Well, you would know, not me." >"Then, two. Be there." And the voice hung up. Dio: I don't care what time. There is no baseball game, dummy. >"How mysterious," said Heero. Trey: Dialogue now courtesy of Fred from 'Scooby-Doo'. Leile: Better get in the Mystery Machine, Heero. >"I didn't even get his name. But I don't need it, I already know it was >Zechs. Dio: Oh. Paige: If he didn't need it, why did he bother worrying about getting it? >Better bring Wing Zero to this baseball game." Leile: My Gundam can throw a mean curve. >Heero continued to make his life-size replica of Wufei using toilet paper. Dio: Err, okay... Paige: That settles it. Heero has officially gone off the deep end. Leile: I think Wufei was right. He really does need a woman. >Wufei would get a kick out of it, and maybe would leave him alone for a >little bit. Trey: Another plus was that if he was ever angry at Wufei, he could use the replica to wipe his butt. Leile: Lovely thought. >Chapter 5 - The Epyon Must Be Done Paige: It's so tired of being a virgin. >Once Zechs hung up the phone, he smiled. "Hah, like anyone would actually >ask Heero to throw out the first pitch at a baseball game! Dio: Hah hah hah! I'm too evil for my own good! >He fell for it way too easily." He went over to Treize. "Are you almost >done, Treize?" Trey: Treize is his bi-. Leile: Trey! >"Well, there are a few minor adjustments to be made, but Epyon should be >ready for combat in about a week." >"A week! I need it tomorrow! I'm supposed to fight Heero!" Paige: You'll get thirty lashes for this! Leile: You get what you pay for. >"Oh, poor baby. Shouldn't have been so quick to challenge him." Dio: I see Treize is very sympathetic to his plight. >"No, you work until you are done." Trey: Remember who wears the Daddy Pants around here. >"Forget it," said Treize. "You are only paying for six hours a day, and >mine are up. See you tomorrow." Leile: Better cancel your date with Heero, Zechs. Paige: Or finish it yourself, you lazy piece of crap. >"Fine, I'll triple your hourly pay if you finish it tonight." Dio: Can you say 'desperate'? Leile: Milk him for all he's worth, Treize! Paige: Wait, I thought Zechs had no money. How's he going to pay him? Leile: Well, Treize doesn't need to know that. >"Hmm, now you are talking. Trey: Before that you were just doing sign language. >Okay, your Epyon will be ready by ten tomorrow." Zechs breathed a sigh of >relief. He would beat Heero, and not have his arm cut off again. Dio: A noble goal. >Chapter 6 - It's Wing Zero versus Epyon...Again Leile: Can't come up with anything original in this story, can we? >Heero arrived at the baseball park in Wing Zero. Paige: And all the spectators fled from the monster! >"Where are you, Zechs," he said. Trey: And what have you done with my question mark? >He turned around to see the Eypon landing behind him. Dio: Oh, that's a relief. It's the Eypon and not the Epyon. >"Long time, no see, Heero," said Zechs. >"What do you want?" Paige: A roasted chicken. Trey: Sweet, sweet love. Leile: A new dialogue writer. Dio: Your head in a jar. >"I want a rematch. Last time we had to quit our battle because of >circumstances out of my control." Trey: There was a rainout. >"What do you mean? You are the one who ordered Libra to crash into Earth. >It was all in your control." Dio: Oh, right, forgot about that. Trey: I bet his face is red! >"Whatever, just fight me." Leile: Fine, we don't need a reason, let's just fight. Paige: Isn't that how most episodes of 'Gundam Wing' go? >"Well, despite the fact you have no power and are not a threat right now, >you may eventually, so I must dispose of you for good, Zechs!" Paige: He's a bad Saturday Morning cartoon hero. Trey: That flowed like a clogged pipe. Leile: I must dispose of trash like you and Wufei's old pizzas! >They both whipped out their beam swords, and began to battle. Dio: I thought this wasn't a yaoi? Leile: Oh, stop. >It was a long battle, as both of them used up all of their gatling gun >rounds. Trey: The sign of a long battle: gatling gun rounds used up. >Then Heero went to use his Buster Rifle, and dodged as Zechs tried to use >Epyon's heat rod to take it away. Paige: Why does something called a 'Buster Rifle' not sound dangerous? >"Shouldn't use the same techniques the second time," warned Heero. Leile: You fool. I could crush you in an instant. >Zechs said nothing, and tried to prepare for the shot. He was ready to >avoid it. Dio: So, he's just standing there so he can be an easy target? Smart. >But Heero surprised him by lunging at him with the outstretched beam >sword. Paige: He has a gun! I didn't expect he'd still use the sword! >Zechs barely avoided the swing, at which point Heero whipped out his >Buster Rifle and fired at Zechs, hitting him head-on. Trey: And that's the end of Zechs...or is it? >Zechs, wishing to live and not die bravely in battle, use the eject >option, Leile: Comes standard on all Gundams for the honorless pilots. Dio: I guess he's going to live yet again. >that he had Treize specially install on Epyon and he flew out, and watched >from a safe distance as Epyon was utterly destroyed. Paige: I'm glad I got the complete coverage on my insurance. >"I lost again," said Zechs. Trey: This whole battling Heero thing isn't going well for Zechs. >He landed next to a telephone and called Heero. "Now that Zechs is >defeated again, Dio: Or not... Leile: Zechs is talking in the third person now? Trey: Jimmy likes Elaine. He likes her a lot. >you must realize that Treize Khushrenada is still alive." >"No!" said Heero. Paige: Yes! Leile: And I don't want to pay him his next paycheck, so please kill him! >"Wufei, you idiot! You didn't finish him off!" Dio: Well, it sure seemed like he did... Leile: The Tallgeese did explode into a million pieces with Treize still inside... >So Heero turned on his tracker and found Trieze in an old abandoned >warehouse. Trey: Who knew the Wing Zero was equipped with the latest in 'Treize Tracking' technologies? >He flew over and blasted the warehouse with his Buster Rifle. Leile: Talk about overkill. >He searched for Treize and found his body lying limply on the ground. Paige: I am immortal! Bwa ha ha! >Determined to make sure Treize was dead so that Eypon could not be built >again, he landed one of Wing Zero's feet on top of Treize, instantly >crushing him. Dio: Now was that absolutely necessary? Paige: Heero just likes to kill those who should be dead. >Heero contacted the other four Gundam pilots. "Hello, all." Trey: Fancy a spot of tea and crumpets? >"Heero?" They all said, surprised. Leile: Usually, when we get a call from Heero, it's 'Listen up, weaklings'. >"I destroyed Epyon, and crushed Treize Khushrenada. Paige: Did he call them to brag? >I think that Zechs is still alive, though." >"You killed Treize? Dio: Are you deaf? I said I killed Treize! >I thought he was dead. I mean, we all knew that Zechs wasn't dead, but >Treize?" Leile: Nothing's impossible. >"Yep, apparently being inside the Tallgeese when it exploded wasn't enough >to kill Treize. Trey: You need at least a couple nuclear bombs to take him out. Dio: Or a well-placed foot. >I don't get it, either." >"You idiot!" said Wufei. "He was on our side!" Paige: Sure seemed that way, Wufei, the way he worked for a year to rebuild Epyon for Zechs. >"Oh, oops," said Heero. Leile: Well, at least he shows sympathy. >Trying to make up for it, he said, "Want a pizza?" Dio: I stole a coupon from Wufei. >"Well, actually, I would," said Duo. Trey: Just let me finish up here in the sack with Hilde. >"Yes, a pizza sounds good," said Trowa. >"Well, as long as it is served with a non-alcoholic beverage," said >Quatre. Paige: You know how Quatre gets when he starts drinking. Leile: Quatre: The designated driver for the Gundam pilots. >"Right," said Heero. "I guess we can't put any beer into Quatre's Sprite >this time." Paige: Yes, that wasn't very nice. Trey: He doesn't even drink caffeine? Dio: I didn't know Quatre was Mormon. >"Although, it was funny when you got drunk and started dancing on the >table," said Duo. Trey: I laughed for hours at your drunken behavior! Ha ha! >"It stopped being funny when he puked on my grandfather's ancient Chinese >rug," said Wufei angrily. Paige: Well, to you Wufei, anyway. Everyone else probably laughed their heads off. >"Sorry," said Quatre. Leile: What's he apologizing for? Dio: Hey, you spiked the Sprite. >"I don't have a high tolerance for alcohol." >They all had a good laugh, except for Heero. Trey: Who undoubtedly scowled. >Chapter 7 - Relena. Heero. Relena. Heero. > >The next day, Heero was back at the apartment. Wufei had gone to the >grocery store to get some food. Dio: Frozen pizzas! Leile: Okay, that's probably enough Wufei and pizza jokes. >Heero could finally just relax. But then there was a knock at the door. >Heero was dressed only in his boxers, since he was ready for bed, and >grumbled as he put on a robe and slippers and opened the door. Paige: It's already 6:30 at night! Darn late-night callers, don't they ever sleep? >He groaned when he saw who it was. Dio: Carrot Top. >"Heero!" said Relena, pushing her way into the apartment. She was not >impressed. Trey: Relena stops by to offer some decorating advice? Leile: I wouldn't keep my dog in here! >"This is where you live, Heero? I think you could've done better." Paige: My closet, for example. >"I like it here," countered Heero. "Although, I do wish I could live >alone." Dio: He probably could, if he got a job instead of sitting around all day playing chess and making life-size replicas of his friends with toilet paper. >"Well, Heero, I know you fought my brother again." Trey: He was such a nice and quiet boy. I don't know what went wrong. Leile: They always say that about the crazy ones! >"Yep." Dio: Ho hum, tried to kill him too. >"Miliardo..." Relena paused. "Did you, did you?" Trey: Luckily, I was able to refuse his advances. Unlike in many other fics wherein I give in to lust and do unspeakable acts with him. Leile: Thank God this isn't one of those. >"The Epyon was completely destroyed. So was Treize. But, I think Zechs >is still alive." Dio: Damn guy just won't die. Paige: Why won't you die!? >"Why don't you call him Miliardo? That's his name." Trey: What's a in name, anyway? >"Not anymore, Relena. He's not your brother, he's not Miliardo Peacecraft >anymore. He has become Zechs Marquis, and he is insane. Leile: The mental wards even have a bounty on him. >Apparently, he stole food from a diner and a candy bar from a corner >market." Paige: And the mark of insanity is that the candy bar he stole was soy- based. >"But why?" Leile: Good question. There really wasn't a good reason. >"I can't answer that. You would have to ask him. I'm sure he'll surface >one day, and challenge me again. Dio: And I'll beat him, and he'll survive somehow and slink away. It's a never-ending cycle. >And I shall fight him and make sure of his destruction." Trey: Or at least pretend to. >"Want to have a cup of coffee at Starbuck's?" asked Relena, changing the >subject with ease. Paige: Ooh, good way to flow into that, Relena. Leile: You tried to kill my brother? Oh, well, want some coffee? >"No." Relena was taken aback. >"You denied another of my invitations?" Paige: I'm getting my lawyer involved. He'll make you go out with me! Dio: A man who turns me down on a date is either mighty brave, or mighty stupid. Trey: I'm sorry, what were the choices again? Dio: Ah, Red Dwarf. Great show. >"Yes, although this time it's not because I am going to kill you." Leile: Well, it's an improvement, at least. >"Oh, that's nice," said Relena, relieved. >"But it's because I am tired. Now please leave and allow me to sleep." Paige: He turns down a date because he's tired? Talk about your undesirables. >"Okay, okay, but call me. Trey: And be sure to use 1-800-CALLATT to save her a buck or two, foo'! >I left my number again, in case you lost all the other papers that had my >number on them," said Relena. Dio: Lost, or threw away...same thing. >"Whatever," said Heero, practically shoving her out the door. "Good-bye." >He closed the door on her. Leile: Relena just can't take a clue, can she? >"Good-bye," said Relena, from behind the door. Paige: I still pathetically like you despite how you treat me. >THE END...? Dio: I hope so. >Well, only the end of this story. Trey: Please, let there not be a sequel. Leile: Well, this is a pointless story. Paige: Basically, Zechs and Treize are brought back to life, implausibly, I might add, for no real purpose except to reenact the end of the Gundam Wing series. Dio: And Relena's a dumb girl, Wufei and Zechs are very OOC, and Chapter 3 makes me want to kill myself. Trey: Let's go and put this behind us. BASEMENT OF CAPTIVITY During the ten minute break they were granted while Gregory got the next Fanfiction ready, Dio and Trey decided to play "Gundam Battle Assault" against each other, while Leile and Paige alternated between watching and nodding off. "I have won again!" declared Dio. "What is that, five straight?" "Six," muttered Trey, tossing the Playstation controller in frustration. "Let me try," said Leile. Dio almost laughed out loud. "Hah! You think you can defeat me in combat?" "Yes, I do. And stop talking like a dubbed Gundam pilot." "Fine, if you are so confident, why don't we make a little wager?" Dio's grin was wolfish. "Whoever loses has to clean the bathrooms?" suggested Leile. "Okay," said Dio. "If you really want to clean the bathrooms." "Is Leile doomed?" Paige whispered to Trey. "Probably," admitted Trey. "Unless she really does want to clean the bathrooms." The battle was very short, as all "Gundam Battle Assault" battles were. Leile ended up as the winner in convincing fashion. "Wow," said Trey, suddenly impressed with Leile's gaming skills, which up until then he had considered to be nonexistant. "You...you must have cheated!" Dio said angrily. "No," said Leile, studying her fingernails as if to seem very non- chalant about the whole thing, "I beat you fair and square." Paige went into the bathroom and grabbed a sponge, rubber gloves, and a bottle of bathroom cleaner. "Have fun," she said, handing the supplies to Dio. Dr. Kivlington chose that moment to buzz them over the intercom. "I'm afraid Dio's turn as maid shall have to wait. You must finish up your experiment now." "You get a short repreive," warned Leile to Dio, "but don't think you'll get out of cleaning duties." "Yeah, yeah," Dio muttered. [Doors: 6-5-4-3-2-1] Dio: A letter to Nintendo from rabid Pokemon fans? Trey: We shall learn the meaning of fear. >Dear Nintendo, Paige: The GameCube sucks. Thank you. >Hi my name is Alex. me and my friend have made up a game. we call it >pokemon pink. Leile: Is this the version of Pokemon intended for girls? Dio: Because I can't see many guys rushing out to buy something with 'pink' in the name. >We thought of this game because in all video games there are ALL MALE >MAIN CHARATERS! Paige: Now, I'm for gender equality as much as the next girl, but this is just not true. Leile: Guess they've never heard of Tomb Raider? >(pokemon crystal doesnt count because the girl is optional.) Trey: It only counts if you say so, huh? Paige: I guess that it only counts if the girl is the ONLY choice. >There will be a selection of eyes, noses, mouthes and hair, clothes, >and shoes. Dio: Because it sucks walking around the world of Pokemon naked and barefoot. >You are 18. You get a choice of being employed or unemployed. Trey: You get a choice? Leile: Either you get to be gainfully employed in a respectable business, or you're a jobless bum with no future. >You have a sister that comes with(shes 10) but sometimes travels home >for a few days. Paige: Great. The female version of a Pokemon trainer has to babysit. Leile: Was this written as a joke by a guy named Alex? Dio: Wouldn't having your sister come along be an annoying-as-hell detriment? >There is a new professor, and, of course,she's female. Trey: Are there no guys allowed here? Dio: Ooh...I sense a le... Leile: Don't even say it. >Her name is Professor Maple. Paige: You have your oaks and your maples. Dio: That name gets zero points for originality. >You have to take care of your pokemon(feeding, toilets,ect.) or they >will get sick and you have to pay amedical bill. Leile: And the Pokemon HMO is a penny-pinching pain. Dio: Just like real-life HMOs! Trey: What happens if you don't care for your pokemon by letting it go to the bathroom? Does it not go, and hold it in forever? Can't they go in some bushes? Paige: Yeah, what the hell's a Pikachu supposed to do with a toilet? >Same for the character. And the sister. Dio: Eventually, you'll want to stuff the sister into a pokeball along with the pokemon. Leile: You have the monitor the sister's bladder level as well? You mean she can't care for herself? She's 10! >There will be an inn in each town and a restaurant. Paige: ...at least in the more highly populated towns. Trey: I should hope there be at least one place to eat in towns. Otherwise travelers would be wise to stay away. >In the Poke-marts there will be food to purchase, Dio: ...for the sister and the pokemon. >but it will go bad after a while, Leile: Talk about an annoyingly realistic feature. >so only buy it if you planning to go on a long trip. Paige: Like a camping excursion, just you and the sister. >Restaurants are poke-friendly. Dio: You can poke whomever you like! Leile: Dio, that was uncalled for! Dio: What? I meant poking with a finger! ...umm... Leile: Stop it! Dio: Okay, I see this isn't going well. >If the pokemon is hungry or something, Paige: Something? Trey: Like it needs to go to the bathroom, wants to sleep, needs to file its income taxes to avoid penalties, you know. >a little dialoge box will a appear and tell you. Leile: Hey, idiot! Your pokemon needs food! >Your sister will have a thought bubble and so will you if you are >hungry or something. Dio: Doubtless the thought bubble will contain a cute little chibi character demanding food or sleep. Paige: Doubtless. Dio: I don't like chibi characters. >The new league is called Chulie, Leile: Chihuly? Paige: Our second Dale Chihuly joke already? Dio: Well, what the hell name is Chulie for a league? >the towns are (in order): Red Bark town, White Oak Town, Natin city, >Tulpe City, Zander Town, Jubile Town, Geno Town, Bermie City and >Nifa city. Paige: Umm... Leile: Are no towns allowed to just be one word? Does a city have to be called 'such and such city'? Dio: Yes. Like Kansas City, or New York City. You know its a city. Leile: Okay, but I'll hardly be confusing 'Jubile' with a state in whatever freak place this is set in. >The gym leader leaders are(in order): Jimmy, Herald, Jenny, Luphi, >Simon, Kiska(girl), Mel, Jacky(girl), and Jezzable(pronounced >Jessabell) Trey: Officer Jenny gets a gig as gym leader? Paige: Yeah, like I was going to confuse Kiska or Jacky as guys. Dio: Why don't they just spell it Jessabell? It makes at a little more sense. Right now it looks like someone who is able at Jezz. Leile: Herald? A king somewhere sends his herald to moonlight as a gym leader? >There will be two new types, Light, the oppisite of Dark(duh), Paige: Like, DUH! Leile: Thus adding to the formal look of this letter. >and Crystal, the oppisite of Light and Dark. Dio: How can something be the opposite of light and dark? Trey: Especially if it is crystal. That doesn't even make sense. >Dark dosnt affect Light, and Steel and Psychic dont effect it, >and Grass is super-effective, and Poison is not very effective. Paige: None of this makes much sense. >Light, Psychic, and Fire dont effect it, Ice is super-effective, and >Water is not very effective(I thought of the types that are effective >off the top of my head, its obvious, isnt it?). Leile: Yes, actually, it is. Dio: Were mind-altering drugs involved in the making of this letter? Paige: I don't know, we'd really have to check out the 'Making Of' special on MTV. >Everything is the same execpt Poison, which is the same as it was in Red, >Blue, Yellow. Leile: So...it's not the same, but it is the same? Dio: I'm sure Nintendo is taking this letter very seriously. >I hate the fact that so far only Rock is super-effective. So now Ground, >Rock and Ice are super-effective. Paige: I think someone is a spoiled child who is used to getting what she wants. Leile: I HATE the way this game is made, so I changed to suit ME. >There are about 50 new Pokemon in this game. Feel free to add more >yourselves because we cant think of any more than 50 so far. Dio: Feel free? They're actually going to relinquish some control over the game? Paige: My God, they have big egos. >We even took the time to write PokeDex data too. Leile: I'm sure you have a very busy schedule of complaining about games. Trey: I hope to God they don't share PokeDex data for all 50 here. >The three starting Pokemon are: Emruble(Light), Duoeye(Dark/Fire), >and Kappa(Water). Dio: Great names. Leile: Dark/Fire? >Notice that there is no Grass type. Trey: God forbid. >That is made up for when you leave for the next town from the >beginning, were there are Bellsprout in the grass. Paige: Gee, I'm very relieved to have some Bellsprout to take care of that all-important grass-type for me. >Ill note again the importance of taking good care of all of your pokemon >and the people traveling with you Leile: Are there multiple people tagging along? Dio: The Pokemon trainer's entourage. >(namly, your sister, because she'll tell your mom if you ignore her and >your mom wont pay you anything. Paige: Ouch! Trey: Tattletale! >She pays you to take care of her. Dio: Is this being employed? Trey: If it is, I choose unemployed. >If she wants a doll that you can afford, get it and she'll say you were >wonderfull and stuff like that, and your mom will pay it back plus more!). Paige: Oh, gee, that sounds like a lot of fun. Dio: I sense an exploit! Trey: Oh? Dio: Just buy the sister a boatload of dolls, then return to Mommy for a big payday! Trey: Will it work like that? Dio: There's always a way. >The medical bill can get pricy after a while. Leile: Because the sister will always get ear infections and cry. >You probably get a lot of game ideas, but take this one really seriously, Paige: That'll happen. >because, as you can see, we put a lot of effort into it. Leile: A whole afternoon of effort! Unlike you hacks making games now! >Please write back and tell us if you like it or not, dont just leave us >hanging there. Trey: I bet Nintendo didn't write back because they couldn't come up with a civil response. >From, >Alex >P.S. Some things we forgot: Dio: Good ideas. Leile: Grammar. Paige: Lucidity. >you can choose the pack color, pokegear is back and if you choose, a >pokemon can follow. Trey: Let's play Follow the Leader with Pokemon! Leile: Oh, what fun! >Also, if you meet someone that you like, you add them to your phone list, >talk to them, and, eventually, they will ask if they can travel with you. Dio: And, if they are sleazy guys, they will attempt bad pick-up lines. Trey: Hey, baby, can I have your phone number? I lost mine. >The unown are back too, and they play a huge role. Leile: Nothing like looking like the letters of the alphabet to get a good role. >Some pokemon live only in their ruins, and you have to catch a specific >amout of unown to get ahead in the ruins.(different unown, not the same, >but you knew that, right?) Paige: Right. Dio: Right. Leile: Right. Trey: Umm, wrong? Leile: Oh, Trey. >A really big thing. The game will have a Raisuian(Ray-SUE-ee-anne)on the >front, Leile: A what? Paige: I think a Russian. Dio: I can't tell if that's one they made up or Nintendo or Game Freaks made up. >and will only be for the N64, NOT FOR THE GAMEBOY! Paige: Geez! Okay! Leile: Yeah, best not to continue where it works best: the Game Boy. Trey: The Nintendo 64? This is a bit dated, isn't it? >The graphics are like the others, not like on stadium, where the graphics >are the same as the gameboys! Dio: That's because it was designed to play the version like you were playing a Game Boy! >There will be a job you can get in the PokeCenter, PokeMart, inn, and >restaurant. Leile: Wow, wouldn't that be exciting? Working at a restaurant or an inn? Paige: That's what I get video games for. To pretend to be a blue-collar worker. >There will be a flying type pokemon convienetly provied to fly you to a >town youve visited to get to you job on time. Trey: That is convienent. Dio: TOO convienent. >The character will want to go to bed at 11:00, but you can put them to >sleep earlier. Dio: Put them to sleep? Paige: Mommy, mommy, what happened to my character? Leile: Oh, she's just been put to sleep. She's much happier where she is now. >Your sister will go to sleep at 9:00, so you put her to sleep and leave >her at the inn and come back later. Trey: Or, better yet, never return. >Pokemon sleep at the same time you go to sleep. Dio: So if you stay up all night partying at the local Pokeclub, don't expect much out of them the next day. >One more thing! I have a few special events that can happen. In Geno >Town, a Ghoulshine will be running around. It lost the blanket on >its back, so its out of control. Leile: Are Ghoulshines based on Linus from 'Peanuts'? >To catch it, take the bike infront of the bike shop(they wont mind >after they see what your doing with it) Paige: In the real world, they would whip out a shotgun and ask you to slowly back away no matter what. >and chase it. It will start to go in a circle, so stay in a tight >circle, then the character will take care of the rest(with a leash >and collar). Dio: Your character is going to pull off some BDSM? Leile: No... >An other one is where you meet Ash, Misty,Brock, Tracy and the new >guy in Gold and Silver in Pallet, The start of the final league in >the game. Paige: Oh, good, that was the only thing missing, I was thinking. >They all have the same idea as you, and start wanting to battle. >Tracy decides to be on your side, so its you, your sister and Tracy Dio: Do you have to monitor Tracy's need for a toilet as well? >(everyone's dream team, huh?Yourself, a little girl and a Poke watcher. >woo hoo. hehehehe) Leile: Not exactly. Paige: I'd ditch them both and strike out alone. >The last one is in Nifa Town, before you start to traveling to the >league. Your rival comes in with some new funky pokemon with some >serious power! Trey: Funky? Dio: The rest of the letter will be written by a '70s hippie. Leile: I've got a tubular pokeball and a radical job at the inn, dude! Totally awesome! >Its not named yet(because its an android! But you dont know that a >that time) Leile: Your rival is the Terminator! Dio: I'll be back. With more funky Pokemon. >and you cant see it clearly(a blinding android trick. its called >confuseraywithanextrapunch: Paige: Umm, what? Trey: Nice compact name. Leile: Even without spaces, I don't think it will fit. >confuse ray with an extra punch) so it just is a big blob of black >(ok maybe not a blob, but you get the picture). Dio: No, actually, I'm more confused than ever. >Ok, thats all! Please e-mail me at [e-mail withheld] >Oh yeah, forgot. Please forgive my punctuation. Paige: No. >I dont really type that much, and when i do, its in a game where >you can chat and punctuation doesnt matter, Dio: 'Revenge of the AOL Chatroom'? Leile: Hey, that's no excuse! Trey: You're writing a formal letter here! You have to insert the correct punctuation if you want to be taken seriously! Dio: I'm not sure that they do. >so thats why i dont really use apostrophes pretty much at all. >Oh yeah, i forgot. you can get a pet. Dog, cat, fish, ginea pig, >ect. Leile: As if having all the Pokemon wasn't enough for you. >One more thing. I started this project on 4/19/00. I just haven't had >any time. (541 words for the P.S. and 564 in the acual letter. Trey: The postscript was almost longer than the actual letter! Dio: That isn't right. Leile: You know, the entire postscript could have been inserted into the letter quite easily. Paige: Yea! It's over! BASEMENT OF CAPTIVITY "I don't remember this being part of the deal," Dio complained, fingering the apron. It was decorated with various Pokemon and bishounen Gundam pilots. "This is really wrong." "Quiet, and start scrubbing that grime," Leile ordered, pointing to the toilet. "Taskmistress, are we?" said Trey, who couldn't help but grin as Dio's gloved hands worked at cleaning the toilet. Dr. K's voice came over the intercom in the room. "That letter didn't do anything to you?" He sounded very disappointed. "Well, it confirmed my theory that there are too many people who think they can make a good video game," said Paige. "Yes, yes, but it didn't make you insane?" "Umm, not quite." "Well, shoot," said Dr. K. "I haven't had sex in fifteen years, and I'm starting to get frustrated!" declared EstelleBot into the intercom microphone. "Goddamn you!" Gregory's voice sounded far away. "It appears Gregory is jealous of the attention I have been giving EstelleBot. Perhaps I should let him read to me tonight," the voice Of Dr. K mused. "I don't think it's quite jealousy..." said Trey slowly. "He only wishes he looked like me!" EstelleBot informed them. "Ah," said Leile. There was a primal scream of rage over the intercom, followed by a loud 'CLANK', as if something metal had struck something metal. "Oh, dear, Gregory hit EstelleBot over the head with a frying pan," said Dr. Kivlington. "That just won't do." "Yeah, he didn't need to go ruin a good frying pan like that," quipped EstelleBot. Gregory seethed in the background. "Can our ridiculous kidnappers leave us alone?" asked Dio. He was finding the talking distracting. "All right, fine," said Dr. K. "But, like an annoying relative, I will return, and there's nothing you can do about it." The intercom died, and all four captives sighed with relief. "Up for 'Gundam Battle Assault', Trey?" asked Leile innocently. "Loser has to make dinner?" "No way," said Trey. "I'll just go ahead and do it now and save myself some embarrassment." "You are a lot smarter than Dio," she said glibly. "Not hard," was the muttered response from Trey. "I heard that!" Dio yelled. Credits roll... >Heero continued to make his life-size replica of Wufei using toilet paper.