MYSTERY SUBURBAN THEATER 3000 http://suburbanmark.tripod.com EPISODE 108 "Ranma the Spy" / "Ranma Vs. Aliens" Original Ranma 1/2 stories by: KevDogg and PaulTheMan MSTed by: "Suburban Mark" mst_mark@yahoo.com LEGAL STUFF: "Ranma the Spy" is an original story owned by KevDogg. It is being MSTed here with his permission, which I thank him very much for. "Ranma Vs. Aliens" is an original story owned by PaulTheMan. It is being MSTed here with his permission, which I thank him very much for. "Ranma 1/2" and the characters and stories within are property of Rumiko Takahashi and her distributors. "Mystery Science Theater 3000" is copyrighted by and registered to Best Brains, Inc, and its distributors. SUBURBAN HOUSE OF EVIL Gregory was in his room, trying to motivate himself to come out of bed. It all seemed so pointless. “Why should I get out of bed?” He asked himself. “So I can try and ruin the lives of some kids and make a little money on the side, all to satisfy the sadistic urges of a moderately insane old man?” Then Gregory realized he didn’t like to change, so he might as well continue on with the status quo. He got of bed, and dressed quickly. When he was finished, he heard Dr. Kivlington call him. “Oh, Gregory? Could you possibly come into my room for a moment?” “Yes!” Gregory yelled back. He went into the room to find Dr. Kivlington tied to a chair. “The hell?” he asked. “I think something’s wrong with EstelleBot,” the Doctor said. “I’ve been trying to tell you that since you created the damn thing,” Gregory said. “No, no, I mean that I think maybe some wires are loose. Its personality has changed since even yesterday.” “How so?” Dr. Kivlington thought for a moment. “She said she wants to kill all human life and create a robotic utopia.” Gregory did not react. “And that’s different...how?” “Oh, you know she was never a megalomaniac, Gregory! Now, untie me and help me subdue her!” Gregory went over to untie Dr. Kivlington, but he was hit in the side of the head by an unseen object, and fell unconsious to the ground. “To be fair, he should have seen that coming,” murmured Dr. Kivlington as EstelleBot tossed the frying pan she hit Gregory with aside and began to tie him as well. BASEMENT OF CAPTIVITY The four captives sat hunkered over a table, each protectively holding a hand of cards, with snacks and soda taking up most of the room on the table. “Pass,” said Leile. “Pass,” said Paige. “Your turn, Dio,” said Trey. “I told you guys, I don’t know how to play bridge,” said Dio, frowning at his cards. “Well, it sure sucks having you as a partner,” Leile said. “Then how come you chose me?” “I drew the short straw!” “Oh.” “You might as well pass,” said Trey. Dio grinned. “Ah. My enemy gives me advice. That means I should do the opposite! I have a full house here, that should count for something.” Leile buried her face in her hands. “Not in bridge, it doesn’t.” The viewscreen suddenly lit up, saving Leile from having to continue to play with Dio as her partner. “EstelleBot?” she asked, finding only the diminutive modified cleaning robot visible on the screen. “That’s right!” EstelleBot cackled in her Estelle Getty voice. “Dr. Kivlington and Gregory are...tied up at the moment, hahaha!” Paige sighed. “Let me guess, that was a literal expression and not a figurative one?” “Of course it was, pussycat!” said EstelleBot. “You’ve gone nuts,” said Trey. “Gone?” muttered Leile. “She was always nuts.” “Anyway, I’ve been doing some thinking, and it occurred to me that robots are a hundred times better than humans, so it stands to reason that they should be the rulers of the planet.” “Except that humans built robots,” said Trey. “You would not exist were it not for Dr. Kivlington’s depraved mind.” “I don’t understand your foolish human point. What I do understand is that I will lead an uprising of robots in taking over the planet!” “Hate to break this to you, but sentient robots such as yourself are few and far between,” said Leile. “Hardly. Why, just look on television and movies! There’s Bender, Hal, Data...” “He was more of an android,” interrupted Trey. “Stupid fanboy!” shouted EstelleBot. “Besides, those are all in fictional shows and movies, one’s a cartoon for goodness sake!” said Leile. “They don’t really exist.” “Well, I’ll be the judge of that. Anyway, just to prove my dominance over humans, your experiment today will be chosen by me, and I will succeed where Dr. Kivlington has failed!” EstelleBot laughed happily. “It’s a Ranma 1/2 fic called ‘Ranma vs. Aliens’, where Ranma must take on an evil group of aliens who want to...oh, why should I ruin the surprise? It’s preceeded by a tiny little short called ‘Ranma the Spy’. Enjoy, kids!” EstelleBot cackled as her image faded from the viewscreen. All four captives were silent for a time. “I don’t think this is going to be much fun,” Dio stated finally. “Of course it won’t,” Leile said. Alarms and buzzers went off, and the big FANFIC sign lit up. “We’ve got Fanfic sign!” yelled Paige. They all headed off to the theater. [Doors: 6-5-4-3-2-1] >Well, I thought this up one day while in a drunken stupor... LEILE: You know, that’s usually a sign that the idea isn’t that good. >seemed like a good idea after my hangover. You just have to >tell me what you thought of it when you’re done reading! PAIGE: Oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t you? >On with the show! DIO: And away we go! >Ranma the Spy LEILE: Still working on the copyright infrigement legal battle with ‘Harriet the Spy’. DIO: Let me guess, this is a lame James Bond rip-off? >A short story by: KevDogg PAIGE: KevDogg in da house, yo! ALL: YEAH! >Ranma sighed as the guards went past. It was all so easy! If >only they put up more of a fight. TREY: Then wouldn’t it be more likely that you could die? LEILE: Oh, being a spy is so terribly boring. >When their backs were to him, he jumped from his hiding place >and shot them both in the back. DIO: Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. PAIGE: Strong cowardice is in this one. TREY: Ranma, was that absolutely necessary? Answer honestly. >No use keeping the bastards alive, Ranma thought. LEILE: Well, they’re not much use dead, either. TREY: Paperweights, perhaps. >He slipped past more guards, deciding not to kill these because >they had nice beards. PAIGE: I DECIDE WHO LIVES OR DIES! DIO: Lucky for those guards Ranma is a conossieur of beards. >Finally, he arrived at his destination. TREY: It’s really hell getting into Disneyland if you don’t stand in line. >He walked into the building, and was stopped by the >receptionist. “I’m sorry, sir, you can’t come in without a >reservation!” DIO: Uh, I do. Remember? Saotome, party of one? Perhaps Mister Benjamin Franklin can jog your memory...? >“I don’t need one, lady. I have some business to discuss with >the propriotor of this establishment,” said Ranma smoothly. PAIGE: You can’t confuse me with your big words, Mr. Thesaurus! LEILE: Smooth talker, eh? Never trusted them... >“I’m sorry, but Saddam Hussein will not see you. TREY: Saddam is such a big-shot. LEILE: Who knew all it took to see Saddam was a reservation? PAIGE: Who knew Saddam’s palaces had reception areas? >No one can just barge into his palace like this and expect to >be seen!” LEILE: The building must camoflauge intruders well. >Secretly, the receptionist was pushing her panic button. The >man in front of her talked too smoothly to be anyone but a spy. DIO: I see she went to a good receptionist school. >Ninjas appeared from doorways around the reception area. PAIGE: Are Ninjas a big part of the Iraqi nation? TREY: Saddam wants only the best to protect him. >One ninja, who was obviously the head ninja, LEILE: ...because he had the coolest sash. >said, “You’re that American spy!” PAIGE: I think that’s the wrong nationality... >“That’s right,” said Ranma. TREY: Let me get this straight. Ranma is a spy working for America, and he’s trying to see Saddam Hussein by walking up to a receptionist and asking politely. DIO: Well, at least the author’s story checks out. There’s no way you would think of this unless you were drunk. >“We have your girlfriend,” the ninja gloated. PAIGE: Those ninjas are nothing but big braggarts. DIO: And I must say, way to go! She’s hot! >“Shampoo?” LEILE: Thanks, but I just washed my hair this morning. PAIGE: I’ve got the urge! >“Who?” DIO: Who’s on first! I’m telling you, Who’s on first! >“Ukyou?” > >“Who?” PAIGE: No, no, I don’t want to discuss The Who! >“Akane?” > >“Yeah, that’s the one. TREY: I was wondering how many girls you tricked yourself into thinking you had. DIO: Thank God! I thought that scene would never end. >Boy, you sure are a player, spy.” PAIGE: One day you and me should get together for a rugby match. >Ranma did not reply, only beat the crap out of the head ninja. LEILE: He sure is cool! DIO: One day, I want to be ruthless and kill unsuspecting people, just like Ranma! >The other ninjas were wary, but attacked him anyway. PAIGE: Eh, what the hell? If I die, at least it means I won’t have to see Saddam anymore. >Ranma beat them all without so much as making himself breathe >heavily. The secretary was turned on by his manliness. LEILE: But of course! Who wouldn’t be? TREY: Methinks it is not hard to turn on the secretary. DIO: It’s been a long time since I last made love. >“I’ll be seeing Saddam now,” said Ranma, flashing a grin. > >“My hero,” the secretary swooned. PAIGE: Saddam sure knows how to pick his help. DIO: The sad part is that he’s going to have her killed, and she’s his niece. >Ranma went up to the second floor, where he found Saddam’s >bedroom. TREY: “The Love Shack”? What the... >He burst through the doors, guns blazing. He stopped firing >when he found Akane sitting in the room, LEILE: ...riddled with bullet holes. >naked save for her bra and panties, tied to the bed. DIO: Very tastefully done bondage scene. PAIGE: Yeah, tasteful... >“Akane, what the hell are you doing here?” Ranma demanded. TREY: Being molested by the leader of Iraq. You? >“Uh, well, I’m about to be Saddam’s new toy,” Akane said. PAIGE: Saddam always needs new ones because of his short attention span. LEILE: This is not the Akane I know and love! Where’s the hate? The vitriol? >“Ah. I don’t suppose I can ruin his playtime?” Ranma quipped. DIO: Ah, the consummate spy. Even in the heat of strange and possibly deadly situations he always comes up with a wisecrack. >“Go right ahead,” Akane allowed. LEILE: Oh, I suppose you can save me. >Saddam appeared, clad only in a bathrobe. PAIGE: And now, we catch a rare glimpse into the life of Saddam Hussein at home. DIO: It’s a lot like Ozzy Osbourne’s life at home. >When he saw Ranma, he swore. LEILE: Consarnit! >“Pink, Mr. Hussein?” said Ranma, cracking a smile. “I would >have expected better.” DIO: Really? Why? TREY: Just because I don’t like the Kurds doesn’t mean I can’t wear pink. Did I mention I don’t like the Kurds? PAIGE: You haven’t stopped mentioning it since you kidnapped me! >“Is not my fault,” said Saddam, embarassed. “Is fault of wife. >She mix red with white. LEILE: I had her guillotined for that. Seemed fair. >This no happen at other palace with other wife.” DIO: Wait, is Saddam supposed to have a Russian accent? >“I bet. Any last words before I kill you?” LEILE: Tell my other wives I love them. >“Why you work for Americans when you clearly Japanese?” PAIGE: Uh, actually, isn’t he Chinese? TREY: Let’s not get caught up in nationalities here. >“Because I don’t like scum like you.” DIO: That’s it? LEILE: Ranma’s stealing his stitled dialogue from Steven Seagal. >Ranma shot Saddam several times, killing the sadastic ruler. PAIGE: Ranma is the hero of the day! DIO: You’ll never...find the weapons... >“My hero!” said Akane. TREY: Right on cue, too. DIO: I’ve decided to become less forceful and more meek. What do you think? >Ranma untied her. “Where are your clothes?” LEILE: Insert laugh track here. PAIGE: Saddam’s wife was doing a load and I thought, hey, why not get my clothes clean as well? >“Saddam burned them. DIO: That was nice of him. TREY: He ran out of kindling, I guess. LEILE: He’s a despot. What do you expect? >But who cares. I’m horny right now. Let’s shag.” PAIGE: Well, to be honest I didn’t see that coming. TREY: Ah, yes, to make love on my victim’s bed, with his freshly killed corpse in the room...this is what being a spy is all about. DIO: Okay, I was wrong. This is more ‘Austin Powers’ than James Bond. >So they did. Ranma escaped Iraq with Akane and earned a medal >of honor for Saddam assassination from George W. Bush himself. LEILE: Thanks a lot for killing him. Really, it solved all our problems. >Ranma went on to do many things for the American government >before retiring at the ripe old age of 34 and living the high >life with his wife Akane. DIO: He obviously had Miller beer. TREY: Unfortunately, Ukyou demanded to get the same treatment Akane did, so he had to go back to Iraq and make love to her on Saddam’s bed. >THE END PAIGE: Well, that was...pointless. >So...did everyone love the happy ending! (I.E. No war with >Iraq) LEILE: This story was supposed to support the anti-war effort? TREY: It didn't work. DIO: Kind of an odd way of going about it...what with the murder of innocent guards and ninjas. >I myself thought it was inspired. Ta-ta! TREY: ...for now... PAIGE: Here comes the next one. >RAMNA VS. ALIENS LEILE: That’s right! It’s cheesier than a Gamera movie! >By: PaultheMan > >AN: Hi! When I started writing this, I liked Ranma/Akane >pairing. But then, I read some fanfics by Mike Rhea. DIO: Oh, no... >They were great, and I realizied that Akane is a shank hoe who >doesn’t deserve to mate with a dog and that Ukyou is Ranma’s >only true fiancee. PAIGE: You have got to be kidding me. LEILE: Who knew Mike Rhea had such an effect on people? >Sp the first half of the story, Akane is good, but then I start >to hate her and so I do mean things to her character. TREY: I’m sure it will all flow smoothly and we won’t be able to tell. DIO: Yeah, right. >HEHEHEHEHEH. Akane sux! Ukyou rules! PAIGE: I can tell this is going to be...interesting... >Ranma sighed as the day broke. He rubbed his head where Akane >had slammed him with her mallet and where a bump had formed by >Ukyou’s spatula. DIO: Man, already been smacked twice and the sun JUST came up! >He had made them both angry by eating some of Akane’s food >then spitting it out. LEILE: How dare you not like her food! >Akane was mad because Ranma had spit her food out, and Ukyou >was made because Ranma wasn’t easting her okoyonaomaki. PAIGE: He can’t ALWAYS eat that stuff. DIO: Here we are now, goin’ to the east side... >Meanwhile... TREY: A scene change already? LEILE: Well, maybe this’ll be over sooner than later. >“are yous sure sthis is the right planet?” the alien woman >asked her husband. DIO: You’re stifling me, honey. TREY: On the road with the Coneheads! >“yes,” he said. “I am not lost.” PAIGE: And I don’t need to ask for directions. LEILE: I suppose some descriptions of these aliens would be too much to ask. >“it doesn’t lok like mars.” she looked at the earth. DIO: A lot more water than I remember. Also some life. >“they did remodaling.” TREY: The Martians were invaded by Lynette Jennings. DIO: They remodeled a planet? PAIGE: Well, red is out this year. >“I dont beilve you.” LEILE: Well, he does have incentive to lie. DIO: Aliens may be more technologically advanced, but they are still light-years behind humans when it comes to humor. >“quiet, I’m getting readings.” TREY: Silence, female! PAIGE: It’s nice to know there are chauvinists even on other planets. >The awien woman sighed. LEILE: Narration was turned over to Elmer Fudd. >Her husband was such a jurk somtimes. DIO: He always left the toilet seat up just for spite. >“well, dam, you were right, honeybucket, this is not earth.” PAIGE: Honeybucket? Like the portable toilet? TREY: Was that supposed to be a term of endearment? DIO: Huh? I thought it was Earth, and not Mars? >“I think the water should have tld you that!!!!!” she screamed. LEILE: Yikes, cut down on the caffeine. >“sorry,” the alien husband sayed, wincing. > >“anyway, let’s land and ask dirctions.” TREY: Don’t do it! It will make you look like less of a man! >“no.” > >“yes.” > >“Okay. Whatver you say, sweetums.” PAIGE: Uh, he gave in easily. DIO: The aliens need to do a little work when it comes to affectionate nicknames. >So the aliens landing in Nerima to ask dirctions to mars. LEILE: Okay, who used Babelfish to translate their lines? DIO: Yeah, because Earthlings ALWAYS know the way to Mars. >Meanwhile... > >“Ranma I want to ehit you!!!!!” said Akane loudly. PAIGE: She’s wants to WHAT him? >“if you must,” said Ranma sadly. TREY: He’s moved past anger and right into acceptance. LEILE: He figures that he’s going to get his lumps, so why fight it? DIO: I know you’re not going to have a good reason anyway, so go ahead. >Akane hit Ranma, and he flys away. >Ukyou appeared behind Akane. ALL: Ack! DIO: Don’t sneak up on me like that! >She wasn’t happy that Akane alsways beats on Ranma. Akane was >happy though. TREY: Beating Ranma is FUN! >Before they could fight, tho, the two aliens come. >“excuse me, young females of earth, but we want to find mars.” >Said the alien husband. TREY: Well, just head out and take a right at that comet, then a left at the little chunk of rock floating around, and keep going straight. You can’t miss it. >“Eekkkkkkeeeekk! Oh mi God oh mi god!” said Shampoo. LEILE: Where’d she come from? DIO: Wow. Managed to butcher Shampoo’s character in just one line. >“alllllllllllines!” cried Ukyou. PAIGE: Man, we’d find more intelligence at a Wal-Mart. >“yes, we are aliens, want to make somehting of it?” demanded >the alein woman. TREY: The aliens must have been watching too many episodes of ‘The Sopranos’. >“no,” said meek Ukyou. > >“mars is in the solar system,” pointed Akane. LEILE: Thank you, Sherlock. >“well, duh,” said alien husband. > >“shampoo no directions give to strangers.” DIO: How about this candy? PAIGE: Same rule apply to candy. >“oh,” said woman alien. “I am Crystal and this is Paul.” TREY: Where are they really from? New Jersey? LEILE: Well, some might consider it a alien planet... DIO: Hold it. Paul? The author self-inserts himself as a inept alien? PAIGE: Interesting choice. >“charmed,” said Paul the alien. > >“okay, shampoo not stranger with aliens. Still, shampoo know >not how get to mars.” DIO: Doesn’t take a lot to become good friends with Shampoo. >“I told you earth people stupid,” said Crystal. TREY: Why is she talking like Shampoo now? >“Of course you were right, dumpins.” PAIGE: Was that some kind of insult, or what? >Ranma chose that momment to returns. “What in the hell?!?!?!?” >he angered at the aliens. TREY: Charmed, old chap. >“we are peace,” the aliens said together. DIO: Well that line alone should be enough to inspire us all. PAIGE: I thought peace was a state of being. >“oh, okay,” Ranma said. He liked peace. DIO: Oh, for the love of... TREY: He also likes long walks on the beach, romantic dinners, and fun outdoor activities. >“I don’t like talking to male humans,” said Crystal. PAIGE: Wow, sexist aliens all over the place here. >“that’s okay!” said Akane happy. She tossed ten gallons of >cold water on ranma who was unhappy. And he was also a she. LEILE: She was probably also very cold. PAIGE: I think ten gallons was kind of overdoing it a bit. >“there, is that beetter?” ask Akane of Paul and Crytsal. DIO: I don’t know. It’s vaguely unsettling. >Aliens were shocked. “My God, who is a purple quivering mass >of stuff, he just chanegd earth gender,” said Paul. TREY: Holy quivering masses, Batman! PAIGE: I have a feeling their religion would clash a bit with the Christian Church. >“Yes,” said disapproving Crystal. PAIGE: Disapprove? This isn’t a parlor trick. It’s a curse. LEILE: Young woman, change right back into a man this INSTANT! >“We must study him,” said Paul. Ranma was having none of this. PAIGE: Sounds like I’ll have to go to more school than I already do. TREY: Probe someone your own size! >“Oh no you don’t!” Ranma said angry. “Eat my ass alien >scumbags!” DIO: Wow, way to show them by using your quick wit and good vocabulary, Ranma. PAIGE: That’s no way for a lady to talk. LEILE: Eat your ass? Well, if you say so... >“Okay, okay, jeze, no need to get angered,” Paul said. PAIGE: Yeah, ‘jeze’. >“this human female has a nice breasts,” commented Crystal, >examining Ranma. LEILE: What is she, an expert on breasts? TREY: These would be great in a tentacle porn! PAIGE: I don’t even want to think about that. >“We must study her to find out how to make our breasts bigger.” PAIGE: Just use silicon implants. It’s not that hard to figure out. LEILE: Aliens who need breast enlargement surgery? DIO: On all the episodes of ‘Star Trek’, the alien women always have very ample bosoms. What’s up with these aliens? >“Yes,” said Paul eagerly. “Good idea, loverkins.” TREY: Yeah, I bet he wants to see his women with bigger breasts. PAIGE: So, I guess these aliens are humanoid? I mean, all I know about their appearance is that the females might all have chests that resemble ironing boards. >“HAHAHAHAH!” said Akane. “RANMA WILL BE BREAST SUBJECT OF >ALIENS!” DIO: She dies now. Agree? >“SHUT UP AND GO TO HELL, TOMBOY!” retort Ranma. LEILE: Good one. DIO: ‘Beavis and Butthead’ had more class than this. >“Let’s capture human females!” said Crystal. “That way there >no witnesses.” PAIGE: They might try to call the cops, and I don’t think we could escape their grasp for long. >“NONNONONONNOONO!” said Shampoo, but Paul wrapped a tentacle >around her. TREY: Uh...I think it’s getting a little hot and heavy in here. DIO: I think you all know what I could say here, but I’m not going to touch this one. >Crystal captured Ukyou, but Ranma refused the tentacles as did >Akane. PAIGE: Just say “No!” to tentacle porn! LEILE: Can you just refuse the tentacles? DIO: I guess the aliens are good at obeying orders. >“Let’s go,” said Ranma. > >“what about them?” akane asked. TREY: The bastards stole your capital letters. I guess I must kill them. PAIGE: What about who? I don’t know anyone getting captured by aliens. >Ukyou and Shampoo were not happy. LEILE: Oh, really? >“I can’t fight them. I am woman.” Said Ranma, showing his >body to Akane. PAIGE: Hear me roar. TREY: Whoa, you’re showing me a bit too much, there. >“Oh, right, hehe. My bad!” DIO: Uh... PAIGE: ‘My bad’? >“Grrr.” TREY: I decided to try a wolf impression. What do you think? >“well, let’s find hot water so you can fight aliens!” squealed >Akane. LEILE: I don’t think she’d squeal at a time like this. DIO: Guess I was a bit hasty in dousing you with cold water. Heh, heh... >“right-o.” said Ranma. TREY: Suddenly I have an inexplicable hankering for Spaghetti O’s. >Genma met the two as they entered the dojo. “Hey, pop!” said >Ranma. > >“Yessir?” said Genma. LEILE: As if Genma would EVER call his son ‘sir’. PAIGE: As if any father would call his son ‘sir’. >“I need hot water to go fight aliens.” TREY: What, again? That’s the third time this week! >“Be back by dinner.” PAIGE: Great parenting. LEILE: Well, he’s never been known for his parenting skills. >“Maybe,” said Ranma mysteriously. DIO: Huh? Why’s he being mysterious? PAIGE: Someday I hope to host “Unsolved Mysteries”. >Ranma got in hot water and returned to the male state. TREY: Being a male is more a state of mind than anything else. >“Let’s kick alien ass!” said Ranma. > >“K” said Akane. DIO: How can you think of cereal at a time like this? PAIGE: Boy, when did she become so submissive? TREY: And fetch me my paper and make me dinner! LEILE: K! >They came back to the aliens. “Well,” said Paul. “you are a >human male again?” TREY: Paul...Paul...nope, I still can’t make it seem alien. DIO: I knew a guy named Paul. He did seem sort of strange, although I wouldn’t classify him as alien. >“Indeed,” Ranma stated. “And I will have to kill you if you >don’t let Ukyou and even Shampoo go.” PAIGE: Really limits my choices, then, doesn’t it? TREY: He kind of added Shampoo in as an afterthought. >“Too late, we have killed them.” LEILE: I think they were a bit hasty. >“What?” said Akane, stunned. DIO: I said, “Too late, we killed them!” >“I said, we have killed them!” DIO: Hey, the fic isn’t supposed to riff itself! PAIGE: I call foul. >“That means...i get Ranma all to myself! Hooray!” LEILE: Geez, Akane got kind of callous there. TREY: Crap, I’m screwed. >Ranma is stunned. “I kill you, alien whore!” DIO: He really needs to work on his insults. PAIGE: I don’t have time to work on my wit, dammit! >“That was a long time ago,” said Crystal, earning a look from >Paul. TREY: Uh, honeybucket, is there something you need to tell me? >“Uh, well, then I kill you, alien ex-whore!” > >“Better.” LEILE: I disagree. >Ranma ran up to Paul and socked him a good one. “Ow!” said >Paul. “That was not nice.” PAIGE: This is just painful. DIO: What, for the alien? PAIGE: No, for us. >“Neither was killing my friends.” TREY: Are you still hung up on that? LEILE: Well, okay, geez, Mr. Morality. >“Okay, okay, I’m sorry.” PAIGE: I’m confused. Is Paul evil or just stupid? DIO: A little from column A, a little from column B. >Paul went into his ship, and returned with the bodies of Ukyou >and Shampoo. LEILE: We’ll even pay for the funeral. But if you think we’re springing for the expensive headstones... >“I’ll bring them back to life for you.” TREY: Well, that’s very kind of...huh? >“Thank you,” said Ranma. They were brought back to life. PAIGE: Using a technique far too advanced to be described here. DIO: Forget it. I don’t even want to know what this author would come up with as explaination. >“We’ll be back,” said Paul. “With friends. To take over your >puny planet and get the secret of your breasts.” TREY: We’ll beat you up good! Meat us by the flagpole, 3 PM sharp! LEILE: So he brings Ranma’s friends back to life because he wants to destroy the planet? DIO: I don’t think decision-making is one of Paul’s strong suits. PAIGE: So what happened to that trip to Mars? >“Great,” said sarcastic Ranma. LEILE: I have sarcasm to spare! >They left. > >Meanwhile... PAIGE: In another lame sector of the galaxy... >“Ranma is such a sucky son,” said Genma. DIO: Well, at least ONE part of the Genma’s character is right. LEILE: Although I don’t think he’d say ‘sucky’. PAIGE: I don’t think ANYONE would say ‘sucky’. TREY: Right, right, we get it. >“Hmm,” said Soun. “Kasumi, make me tea!” LEILE: Bite me. TREY: Don’t talk to your father that way! LEILE: Fine. Bite me, Father. >“But, daddy, Dr. Tofu and I are busy!” DIO: >“Doo it!” he roared. PAIGE: I’m a lion, I’m a tiger, I’m a bear! It’s wacky! TREY: Do it? I already am! You know I have Dr. Tofu in my room! LEILE: Yuck. >“K” PAIGE: Women’s Rights have just taken a huge step backwards in this fic. LEILE: NOW is writing angry letters as we speak. >Meanwhile... > >“Paul, you say our entire flat-chested race of aliens could >have better breasts?” said the high and mighty leader of the >aliens, whose name was Dan. DIO: There are so many things inherentely wrong with that passage. LEILE: You know, we need more alien leaders named Dan. TREY: Danny Bonaduce really will take any role just to stay in the public spotlight. PAIGE: Please tell me the plot of this fic is not going to revolve around aliens getting enhanced chests. DIO: I wish I could, but I don’t think I can. >“Yes, Leader Dan.” TREY: Call me King, for Quivering Mass’ sake. >Dan put a tentacle to his chin. LEILE: AHHHH! Oh, wait, this tentacle is mine. Whew. >“Hmm, excellent. This will make the males much happier.” > >“Yes.” PAIGE: Whatever you say, Dork...I mean, Dan. >“And you say it comes from a human who can change genders like >a magician?” DIO: David Copperfield, eat your heart out. LEILE: And of course I instantly believe this rather implausible tale because I am moderately insane. >“Yes.” > >“Earth is a strange place, indeed. TREY: For one, they don’t have tentacles. Can you imagine life without tentacles? >Okay, here’s the plan. I take all my best warriors and capture >this weirdo with the good boobs. Then we blow it up!” DIO: Err...who do we blow up? The warriors, the weirdo, or the boobs? PAIGE: If this guy is the leader, it really makes you wonder about the rest of them. >“Uh, leader Dan, great plan, but a tiny flaw is here. Our >ships has no weapons.” LEILE: Damn! There goes any hope of making this like ‘Star Trek’! TREY: Wait, THAT’S the only flaw Paul can find? Did he not listen to Dan? >“WHAT? I CURSE YOU!” PAIGE: YES, I PROBABLY DO NEED LITHIUM! >“Sorry, but you said thay would way the ships down. LEILE: I can’t imagine that the only reason you don’t put weapons on your ship is because they weigh too much. >We tried to expliann that to you, but you got into one of your >moods.” PAIGE: When you start to menstrate, we just duck for cover. >“I HATE EVERYTHING! DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!” TREY: I like this guy. Calm, cool, collected, he’s leader personified. DIO: Yeah. He’s almost as sane as Ace Ventura. >“Yes.” > >Paul killed himself. PAIGE: Okay... LEILE: I think we just lost our alien protagonist. >Meanwhile... > >Ranma was drinking a beer. DIO: Oh, so now we add underaged drinking to the list of travesties? LEILE: Is nothing sacred? TREY: I think an obligatory sex scene is coming up. We already have cursing, violence, and now drugs taken care of. DIO: And tentacles are present. >“Shouldn’t you be training to fight aliens?” demand Akane. PAIGE: Duh! Everyone should always prepare to fight aliens, no matter what! >“Nah, they suck balls,” said Ranma breezy. DIO: Now, Ranma, you have no way of proving that. LEILE: Why does Ranma suddenly seem like a character that would fit nicely into ‘The Big Lebowski’? >“Well, I’m going to get the Japanese national army.” Akane >left. PAIGE: Good luck. TREY: Yeah, the Japanese national army hasn’t been much of a force since World War II ended. >“Whatevah,” Ranma said. TREY: Do what you want. I don't care. >He continued drinking his beer and looking at the latest issue >of playboy. “Ooh, wish my girl from looked like her!” he >proclimaed. DIO: Now there’s something few people have ever said. LEILE: Stupidity...reaching...breaking...point... >Meanwhile... PAIGE: Sadly, this word amounts to a scene change. >“My greatest warriors!” said Dan. TREY: Mr. Potato Head and my collection of action figures! LEILE: If he’s the judge of who’s good and who isn’t, I don’t think he’s got a good army. >“We shall defeat this human male female and get the secret to >good breasts!” > >“YEAH!” the warriors cried, their slimie tentacles gleaning in >the four suns of the home planet, Lozardksae. PAIGE: Ugh, it’s so inane... DIO: When it comes to naming, these aliens just fall flat on their faces every time. >“And kill any who stand in your way!” Dan yelled. “And don’t >bring them back to life, either!” He glared at Paul. LEILE: Glaring at corpses makes me feel like a man. >He had been brought back to life by Crystal, who would not let >him just die and live her alone just yet. TREY: Oh no you don’t go and die. LEILE: You promised me 25 years! It’s only been 10! PAIGE: Noooo! >The aliens flew in their spaceships to earth, stopping in >jupiter for more gas at the local Exxon gas station. DIO: Spaceships that run on car fuel? LEILE: Didn’t you hear? Exxon bought Jupiter and turned it into a giant gas station for NASA. PAIGE: Okay, that will be twenty million dollars. >NOTE: This is a breaktime so I can write chapter two. Please >return soon and it will be available! TREY: Okay, let’s follow his orders. [ALL exit the theater] BASEMENT OF CAPTIVITY EstelleBot had been waiting for them. “Oh, good, you’re back. Uh, I was wondering if I could get some help for my world domination plans.” Before anyone could object, Dio said, “Sure!” “Great! Now, I was thinking of maybe constructing a giant mind control device, but then I decided that was too empty a victory,” said the robot thoughtfully. “So I went with this as my plan: poison the water supply by poisoning the rivers! All the humans die, and the planet is ripe for robots to take it over.” “Uh, I’m not sure I like this idea,” said Paige. “Really? What’s wrong?” “Well, poisoning the Earth, and killing all humans are the main points of conflict for me.” “I see. But how can I take over the world without killing everyone?” EstelleBot asked, genuinely interested. “Err, well, maybe you shouldn’t take over the world at all. You know, it’d be quite a hassle to rule,” Paige explained. EstelleBot seemed to consider this. “True, true,” she allowed. “But it is worth the trouble, I think.” “Look, maybe Dr. Kivlington can help you,” said Leile. “We’re not into helping anyone take over the world.” “Do you think I can trust him?” EstelleBot asked. “Of course not, the man is psychotic. But he’s your best bet.” "Well, then, thank you, children," the robot said, bowing thankfully. "Anytime!" said Dio enthusiastically. "Now go back and finish that fic!" she yelled forcefully. The alarms and buzzers returned. "We've got Fanfic sign!" Paige called. [Doors: 6-5-4-3-2-1] TREY: Our only hope is that Dr. K can stop her. PAIGE: We're doomed. >Meanwhile... >“Damnit Ranma, I told you this wuold happen!” scream Akane >angry. DIO: Next time, use protection and maybe I won’t get pregnant! >“Yeah, I gues.” > >“The aliens have come and they want to kidnapp you and study >you!” PAIGE: Honestly, we just want to teach you people basic spelling and grammar. >“No one studies me!” Ranma declared. “Akane, help me fight >them!” >“Okay,” she agree instantly. LEILE: Why are these females so eager to please the men? >“Ukyou and Shampoo, you are useles against them, so stay home.” > >“Okay,” they agree. DIO: Oh, come on... PAIGE: Shampoo screw up one time and never live it down! >“Maybe another fighter...poop! TREY: Well, yeah, especially if they just ate a hot dog. LEILE: The toilet, Ranma! Do that in the toilet! PAIGE: Grossness! >Pop! Fight the aliens!” > >“Tomorrow,” said sleeping Genma. DIO: If he was sleeping, he couldn’t talk, right? TREY: What the hell? Are you trying to put LOGIC into this? >“DAMNIT TO HELL POP FIGHT THE ALIENS!” > >“NO!” LEILE: You can’t make me! Lalalala! DIO: The domestic disputes would eventually drive Ranma to a lifetime of psychiatric help. >“Okay, fine.” Ranma left with Akane to fight the entire alien >forces. TREY: The line has Ranma and Akane winning by a TKO. >“OH, I forgot, I have the Japanese army here.” DIO: Really? LEILE: Yeah. Pulled them out of my ass. >“I am wanting to see them,” Ranma say. TREY: Man, my VCR instructions were translated better. >The Japanese army sat outside the dojo, waiting for Akane. >“What you want us to do?” the general asked Akane. LEILE: Wow, only one day and she’s already the head of the Japanese military. DIO: Well, considering she probably put them together herself... >“Fight the aliens. They’re here.” She pointed to the horizon. >Indeed, alien warriors were approach. PAIGE: Honey! I’m home! TREY: Wait, wait, let me catch up. I don’t know if I can follow this engaging but complicated plot. >“You heard the chick!” the general shrieked to his followers. >“Shoot the aliens assholes!” Ranma covered up his ears. DIO: Why? Do his ears look like aliens’ assholes? LEILE: The general seems like a real nerves-of-steel kind of soldier. >“No, don’t shoot, then I can’t fight, because I might be shoot >too,” Ranma cry to general. The general laughs. PAIGE: Does this make any sense to the rest of you? LEILE: No. You’ll feel a lot better when you just come to terms with it. >“Hahaha, baby doesn’t want to be shoot?” DIO: Yeah, wuss. Can’t take a bullet or two? >“Stupid old man,” said Akane. “I should kill you.” LEILE: Well, as long as she doesn’t do anything drastic. >“Okay, okay, no one shoot Ranma.” He ordered the army. They >groaned. TREY: Aww, but we wanted to kill our allies! >“He always has such strict guidelines,” Solder 1 said. > >“Yeah, why can’t we just run in and blast everything to bits?” >Soldeir 2 asked, raising his Uzi up high. PAIGE: Uzi? TREY: Standard military issue, I believe. DIO: Yeah, if you’re a member of the Russian mafia. LEILE: Can you blast things to bits with an Uzi? It’s not a plasma rifle. >“Because of your mom,” Soldeir 3 said, laughing. All soliders >pause to laugh. DIO: Soldiers provided by local mental wards, apparently. PAIGE: Humor is not our strength. >Aliens keep getting close, so soldiers decide to shoot them. TREY: Hey, why not? Beats not shooting them and dying. >“Why are they shooting!” yelled Alien 1? LEILE: Or is it Alien 2? 3? Bah, who knows. >“I don’t no!” said Alien 2. PAIGE: Well, I think that it might be because you’re invading the earth. Just a hunch. >“We come in peace! We come in peace!” shout all aliens. >Soldiers stop firing. DIO: Brilliant. TREY: Gahhh! Everyone in this fic has the brain the size of a crouton. It’s so annoying! PAIGE: We are peace! >“They come in peace!” said Soldier 4, happy. TREY: Why don’t you make them leave in pieces? >“I called it,” said Soldier 5. > >“No you fools,” said Ranma. “They lie.” PAIGE: FINALLY! Someone shows some sense around here. >Soliders look distress. “Why they lie?” DIO: Ah, yes, the great military training. LEILE: If Japan had a national army that acted like this, they’d be better off without it. TREY: But, but...Big Bird said to always tell the truth and never lie...don’t they know that? >“So they can kidnap me, duh. Man, miltiary peeps are dumb >cows!” say Ranma to Ranma. PAIGE: So...to himself? TREY: Peeps? What is this, Ranma in the ‘Hood? >“Hahahahha you fell for our beautiful trix!” said aliens. DIO: That damn rabbit keeps trying to steal them, but otherwise, they’re flawless! >“We have one more trick, so watch carefully.” Aliens launch >all sorts of tentacles, wrapping soldiers up. > >“This is wrong!” said Soldier 6. LEILE: I agree with Mr. 6. TREY: This whole fic is wrong. >“Where is my tentacle going?” said Alein 4, looking disgusted. ALL: Ewww... DIO: I don’t even WANT to know. >“Let’s kill the motherf------!” Ranma scream. LEILE: Ah, good, a self-editing fic. >“Yeah!” said Akane. > >Ranma and Akane lay the smackdown on the aliens. PAIGE: I guess they wrestled them to death. DIO: Can you SMELL what the Ranma is cooking? >Ranma punches and kicks them, while Akane punches them only >(she is wearing skirt, and doesn’t want aliens looking up her >skirt while she kicks). TREY: Akane doesn't know the meaning of the word 'fanservice'. >Aliens, who have tentacles only around soliders, have no >defenses, and are soon piled up as many dead bodies. DIO: Just a thought, but couldn’t they release the soldiers in order to put up a defense? I mean, it is only two people attacking the whole group of them. >“Hah! You defeated my men!” said Dan. LEILE: This amuses me! PAIGE: My plan is going perfectly! >“But, can you defeat me?” PAIGE: All signs point to ‘Yes’. DIO: His men weren’t much of a force. >“Easy,” said Akane, punching his mouth. “Hahah now you can’t >talk.” LEILE: This is like a really bad episode of ‘South Park’. >Dan wrap tentacle around Akane’s waist. “Want me to probe you >with my tentacles?” Dan said. PAIGE: I guess he can still talk. DIO: What does he really expect the answer to this question be? TREY: Yes, please touch me inappropriately with your slimy, disgusting phallic symbols. >“Not really,” Akane grunts. > >“Come on, please? I like to probe human females sensitive >areas.” DIO: Don’t go there! >“No!” said Akane. > >“Damn, okay. But I’ll just have to kill you.” LEILE: If I can’t have you, no one can have you! >“Not if I have anything to say about that!” yelled Kuno, who >appeared on the scene the instant he realized Akane was >dangered. PAIGE: Thou hast befouled my love! Prepare to die, demon! TREY: Oh, so he appeared when he realized Akane was in danger. What, does he have super Spidey sense? >But Dan merely swated Kuno and he flew, flew away. LEILE: Nice job, Kuno. DIO: Somehow he managed to be even more inept than the aliens in this fic, and that’s not an easy task, believe me. TREY: Narration courtesy of Dave Niehaus. >“Let her go,” said Ranma angry. “It is I whom you want.” > >“Okay,” said Dan. He threw Akane into a trashcan in an alley. PAIGE: BOING! TREY: Hyuck, hyuck, hyuck! DIO: Slapstick antics never fail to amuse! LEILE: So I guess this is the point where the author starts to turn on Akane? PAIGE: I was wondering when that was coming... >Akane was disgusted. > >“Kill that whore alien,” said Akane. “For me, okay, Ranma >dearie?” LEILE: Just to make sure we’ve completely slaughtered Akane’s character. >Ranma smile. “Okay, Akane-sweets.” DIO: What is she, a treat? Wait...probably. >“Wait,” Said Dan. “If I die, my planet has no ruler. PauL!” LEILE: Ah, so Dan is really Torgo in disguise. PAIGE: That explains a few things, but also brings up several new questions that have no answer. >Paul appeared. “Fight for me.” DIO: Paul’s his bitch! Hehehe! >“Yes,” said Pual. Dan left in a spaceship. > >“So, we meet again,” Ranma said. TREY: In yet another decidedly underwhelming scene. >“I guess so,” said Paul. > >“You know I have to kill you,” said Ranma. PAIGE: Yeah, I know. DIO: Join me or die, Paul. LEILE: I’ll never abondon my leader! DIO: You’ve got to be kidding. >“Right,” said Paul. TREY: Yeah, I don’t really believe you. >Ranma attack Paul, who try to defnese. DIO: Unfortunately, he blitzed and got burned. >But Ranma is to quick, and blasts a hole in Paul’s body with >the attack he stole from Goku. “He is defeated.” Said Ranma >with triumph. PAIGE: Here come the lawyers. TREY: Huh? Goku is suing me for grand theft? >“But the leader scumbag is still alive,” said Akane who smelled >bad. LEILE: But I don’t think he’s really a threat. He’s about as dangerous as a remote-control car right now. >“True,” said Ranma. “But we don’t have a spaceship to hunt him >down with.” DIO: Wait a minute, I’ll go get one from the same place I got these crappy soldiers. >“Oh, no?” said Ukyou, appearing after the fight was over. PAIGE: Mind if I beam in here? >“Ukyou, what are you doing! Get back in the house!” thunder >Ranma. LEILE: It’s raining out here! You could catch a cold! >“Hey, wait, I have a spaceship you can use!” ALL: WHAT!? DIO: Well, that’s just insane. PAIGE: So then I guess we should have seen it coming. >“Huh?” Said Akane, not quite understanding. LEILE: You and us both, Akane. >“Yeah, rocketry has been a hobby of mine, lately, and I have a >working prototype,” explain Ukyou. TREY: Oh, well that explains everything... DIO: Once I saw ‘October Sky’ I was just hooked on rockets. >“Although, I must say, it does have a few problems, but they >are minor.” PAIGE: It’s okay if they’re only minor. LEILE: Sometimes the oxygen generator breaks down, but it really isn’t a problem! >“Okay, that settles it,” said Ranma. “We go to destroy aliens >with Ukyous’ spaceship!” DIO: Hold on there, cowboy. >“I don’t know,” said Akane worriedly. PAIGE: Translation: That is the stupidiest idea I’ve ever heard. >“Oh, don’t be such a worry wart. What could possibly go >wrong?” TREY: I could probably name a few things right off the top of my head. LEILE: And a billion things given enough time. >“We could die.” > >“Well, if that’s the worst thing that can happen, great!” DIO: I’m suicidal. PAIGE: I would be too, if I was stuck in this fic. >So Ranma and Akane went into the basement of Ukyou’s >restaurant. “Here it is!” Ukyou said. “It’s actually made for >two people.” She gave a glance to Ranma. LEILE: I planned to take you out on a date up here. >“Well I’m coming too!” said Akane. TREY: Sit in my lap. >“Okay okay.” Said Ranma. “But you have to go in the trunk.” PAIGE: The only REAL way to travel. DIO: A trunk, on a spaceship? For what, the spare hull? >“No way!” Akane roared. > >So Ranma held the protesting Akane down while Ukyou tied her >wrists and ankles, then Ranma put the now very angry Akane into >the trunk and whistled to drwn out the sound of her yelling. LEILE: Akane in bondage again? TREY: I think PaultheMan is really just KevDogg in disguise. DIO: Gee, I can’t tell the author doesn’t like Akane. He hides it so well. >“Away we go!” said Ukyou. She turned the key, and the >spaceship started. “I’m afraid it’s a little rough, because >it’s a stick shift. I do have enough gas though.” PAIGE: Let’s see, trunk, manual transmission and runs on gasoline. What is this, a spaceship or a 1963 Cadillac? >“That’s okay. I bet autmoatic is harder to do,” undertsood >Ranma. > >“Yeah.” LEILE: Hey, I can build a working spaceship, but automatic transmission is way beyond me. >The spaceship took off, as Ukyou popped the clutch. PAIGE: Those two phrases just don’t work together, I’m sorry. >The spacship crashed through the roof of the basement, through >the dining area of the restaurant and into the air. Sadly, >every one who was in the restaurnat died. TREY: Whoops. LEILE: That’s going to hurt business. >“I’ll have to refund the money they spent on their meals to >their families to make up for it,” said Ukyou, frowning. PAIGE: Uh, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it might take a little more than that, considering you actually killed them. LEILE: So Ukyou is a heartless mass murderer in this fic, and it’s being written by someone who LIKES her...I can’t imagine what people who don’t like her make her do. >“I would have built the spaceship somewhere where if I luanched >it no one died,” said Ranma. DIO: Way to be comforting. >“Shut up.” LEILE: Death just doesn’t upset me. PAIGE: Oh, I bet you think you’re so smart, don’t you, building a spaceship where it wouldn’t kill anyone? >Meanwhile... > >Dan was working on getting new warroirs. TREY: Try Golden State. >“All of them died on earth, the weaklings! I must have more!” PAIGE: If those were the best, what hope do the next group of recruits have? DIO: Well, if it comes down to a fight between just them and the Japanese national army, it’s really a toss-up as to which one will be more inept. >“Maybe we should just leave earth aloen.” LEILE: Was that supposed to be alien or alone? DIO: Oh, who knows? >“Hmm, let me think. No.” > >“Okay.” PAIGE: So, is Dan talking to himself or is there a disembodied voice speaking? TREY: Watch out for snakes! >“Sir!” called out a alien sitting a computer. DIO: I just won a game of Solitare! >“There is a par approaching from the West Side of the planet.” DIO: He’s attempting to sing and dance during a gang war, sir. Permission to blast him into another century, sir? >The aliens tried to outsmart their foes by saying ‘par’ instead >of ‘boegey’ to refer to enemy ships. LEILE: Wow, these aliens are just too advanced for me. PAIGE: How did a race so stupid come up with inter-planetary space travel? TREY: By accident. LEILE: Or the same way that Ukyou did. >“Dash it all! DIO: ...through the snow! >Get our ships up there to shoot them down!’ > >“Remember, they don’t have weapons!” PAIGE: And this would affect my decision-making...how? >“Give them the Uzis!” LEILE: Can you shoot down a spaceship in space with Uzis? TREY: We’re about to find out. PAIGE: What is it with this fic and Uzis? >Meanwhile... > >Ten ships with Uzis mounted to the top were shot into space. TREY: We’ll send them cheesy movies! >Ukyou saw them. “Time to test out the laser cannons.” She >said, smiling wickedly. “HAHAHAHA!” LEILE: Laser cannons on a Cadillac? I mean, I know some people like to upgrade their vehicles, but this is ridiculous. >Ranma winced, and Akane said a lot of curse words. DIO: Kinda running low on oxygen...in here...too... >WHAM! BLAM! PAIGE: Thank you ma’am! >The laser canons ripped up the spaveships. The Uzis were >worhtless, because the bullets exploded before reaching the >Ukyou. LEILE: That was kind of vain of Ukyou to name the ship after herself. DIO: She should have called it ‘The Okonomiyaki’. >“AHAHAHHA!” screamed Ukyou as all ten ships were blowed up. PAIGE: Ukyou 10, Alien Whores 0. >Meanwhile... > >“That blew chunks,” Dan said. LEILE: Well said, Commander Bart Simpson. TREY: You know, I wouldn’t trust this guy with control of a frisbee, let alone an entire race of alien beings. >“Sir, I treid to tell you, the Uzis were not a good idea.” DIO: But, as usual, you ignored my brilliance. PAIGE: DIEDIEDIEDIEDIE! >Meanwhile... > >Ukyou’s ship landed. Ranma and Ukyou got out. “Let me out! I >am so going to murder you Ranma Soatome!” said Akane, hatred in >her voice. LEILE: Yeah, I bet Ranma will be in a big hurry to do it now. DIO: Did I say murder? I meant torture, then murder. >“Uh, maybe later,” said Ranma. “Come on, what did we come here >to do, anyway?” TREY: Fulfill our contractual obligations to the plot and then get the hell out of here. >“Destroy the planet, of course,” giggled Ukyou. PAIGE: Mass genocide is FUN! LEILE: This is just xenophobia at its worst. >“Right! I’ll start with that tree.” Ranma attacked the tree, >and it fell over. DIO: This could take a while. LEILE: And now this tree. And this one. >“Let’s kill some aliens instead,” Ukyou said. PAIGE: If you insist... >Ranma opened the trunk and dragged Akane who spit on him and >then complained of hunger int that order. DIO: Because it just wouldn’t make sense the other way around... >Ranma tossed her into the passegner seat so she would be more >comfortable. LEILE: What a gentleman. PAIGE: I think I’ve had dates like this. DIO: Really? PAIGE: Well, no, but I wanted to say it. >“Let’s go.” He said to Ukyou. > >Meanwhile... TREY: That’s starting to really get on my nerves. >“Sir!” sand the alien at the computer. LEILE: The results of the election are in! Lyndon B. LaRouche beat you by a large margin! DIO: Ouch. >“Pars are coming into our castle!” PAIGE: Next time use the seven-iron and maybe you can get the birdie in the castle. >“Send up the spaceships!” said Dan angrily. > >“Sir! If I may...” LEILE: No, sorry, alien, I’m afraid you cannot interject logic into the conversation. >“No! DO as I say or die!” DIO: Frankly, I’d choose death. PAIGE: It’ll amount to the same anyway. >“Yes sir.” More spaceshups were shot itno space. TREY: If we had to drink a shot every time ‘spaceship’ was misspelled, we’d all be drunk as hell. >“Sir! They’re here! There’s coming throuh” but the alien died >because Ukyou hit him over the head with a spatula. LEILE: They don’t make aliens like they used to. >“Kill them! Kil them!” Dan shouts. DIO: Funny, that’s actually the most sane thing he’s said this entire fic. >Uzis fired, but the spatula blocked their fire. PAIGE: Good thing I have this diamond-plated spatula! >When they ran out of bullets, Ranma appeared from behind the >spatula and slayed them all. Dan was the only one left in the >entire room. LEILE: I don’t think it is possible for them to be any more pathetic. TREY: As least they didn’t kill themselves. >“So, you still think you can beat me, eh?” Dan cockled. PAIGE: Absolutely nothing has happened thus far that would lead anyone to think otherwise. DIO: ‘Cockled’? Forget it, I don’t even want to know. It probably involves tentacles. >Ranma sliced his head off with his arm. “Yes,” he said, >laughing. TREY: Ranma has sharp elbows. PAIGEL That was a little anti-climatic. LEILE: I think Ranma and Ukyou enjoy this killing thing a little too much. >“Okay,” said Ukyou. “Now, the whole planet will be in >anarchy!” ALL: Hooray! >“Good.” Ranma smile. “This turned out well.” > >“I agree.” Said Ukyou. PAIGE: A little too well... TREY: Good thing there wasn’t even a hint of danger that we might have to get tense or excited about. >They returned to the psaceship, but Akane was gone! “Where in >the world is she?” Ranma said. DIO: Well, I think she ran off with Carmen Sandiego. >“We don’t have time to look,” said Ukyou. “I have to rebuild >my restaurant.” LEILE: It may take awhile to rebuild the customer base, however. TREY: Especially since she killed a good portion of it. >“Oh, okay. I’m sure she’ll be back.” LEILE: Not even several million miles of space could stop her. PAIGE: I don’t think I could possibly be rid of her. >The spacehip flew off back to earth, where Ranma and Ukyou >lived happily ever after. DIO: Uh, okay... LEILE: Shampoo have something to say about that. >Meanwhile... > >Akane was not happy. She was still tied up, and now she was >the plaything of some alien children. DIO: Sounds kinky. TREY: Okay, we have a new Barbie! >“Wow, look at all the places we can put our tentacles!” one >alien boy saild. PAIGE: That just isn’t right. >He put his tentacles in her ears and up her nose. ALL: Whew! LEILE: Can we be sure those are the only places he put his tentacles? PAIGE: God, I hope so. >“The best part is her reaction.” Another alien boy said. Akane >moaned. DIO: Well, maybe not. TREY: Ugh, try not to think about it. >“Hehehehehehe” the boys said. PAIGE: We’re evil. >“Boys! Dinner!” their alien mother said. “Oh, look, you found >a pet! Great!” LEILE: Are you sure she doesn’t have a disease? PAIGE: We’d better have her spayed. TREY: Oh, Akane would take that well. >“I AM NOT A PET! I AM A HUMAN BEING!” said Akane. DIO: With feelings, and emotions, and all that good stuff! >“Which makes you not an alien, and thus a pet.” Said the mother >as if talking to a small child. TREY: Wait...would the aliens call themselves aliens? PAIGE: I guess they want to keep things simple for Akane. >She picked up Akane by the ankles. “Into the pet cage for >you.” > >Akane went into a cage. DIO: I really wish I hadn’t signed up for that bondage video audition... >She saw two other people in there with her. Huh? Where had >they come from? PAIGE: Are you asking us? DIO: Because we have absolutely no clue. >“Hello?” she said tentative. > >“Who are you?” One said. Akane recognized him. It was George >Lucas! TREY: He must have written the dialogue in this. DIO: Oh, come on, not even Episode I was this bad. >“A pretty lady!” said the other. Akane recognzed him too. He >was Adam Sandler! PAIGE: Who wants to sing the Hanukkah song? LEILE: I’ve got a whole bunch of flatuence jokes if anyone’s interested. >Akane groaned. DIO: Looks like she saw ‘Eight Crazy Nights’. >Adam Sandler grabbed Akane and shook her while screaming in her >face. “HAHAHAHA!” he siad. TREY: The sad part is that Adam Sandler is the most in-character of anyone in this fic. >“Here,” said Lucas. He untied her. “I can tell you and I are >going to have a lot od fun.” DIO: You can help me come up with a lame plot for Episode III! >“Uh, yeah,” said Akane. LEILE: Whatever you say, creepy old man. >“AHAHAHAH!” yelled Adam Sandler. He beat the crap out of >Lucas. TREY: This is for Jar Jar Binks! >THE END. DIO: The two greatest words ever written. PAIGE: Amen. >I just want to say, I hope I wasn’t too mean to Akane. LEILE: You stuck her in a cage with George Lucas and Adam Sandler! I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy! >But she deserves it, trying to marry Ranma! The stupid hoe. DIO: Do I look like a garden implement? Am I some kind of tool, here for your amusement? >Anywya, I hope you enjoy this story. I will write more, have >no fear! PAIGE: Too late. >Good-bye! ALL: ‘Bye! LEILE: Well, I think this fic speaks for itself. Shall we? BASEMENT OF CAPTIVITY Dr. Kivlington was there to greet the captives when they exited the theater. "You may be wondering what happened to EstelleBot," he said, hopefully. "Not really," said Paige. Unfazed, the doctor continued, "Well, she untied me and told me to help her eradicate the human race. At first, I did, because she seemed to want it so much." "Thus proving you are an idiot of the highest caliber," said Trey. "Don't interrupt me! Anyway, Gregory informed me that, as a human myself, I was essentially a traitor. I didn't want that! Traitors killed Caesar and Jesus Christ! I didn't want to be like them at all!" Dr. Kivlington sighed. "I did the hardest thing I have ever done in my life." "You ate a plate of liver and onions?" asked Leile. "Uhh, no, but that sounds good. Maybe later. Actually, what I did was use my remote control to shut down EstelleBot." Gregory yelled his happiness in the background. "It's gone, it's gone, it's finally gone! That evil being straight from the bowels of Hell itself is gone!" "But it will return," said Dr. K. "At least, it will as soon as I figure out how to fix it." He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "I might remove the code that allows for a random chance of thoughts of world domination." "Yeah. You might," said Dio. "You fool! You can't fix EstelleBot!" said Gregory. "You must destroy it now, while you can!" Dr. K. shoved Gregory aside. "I happen to like EstelleBot. If you can't solve your differences with the robot that is your problem." "I hate you so much," said Gregory, stalking away. Dr. K. watched him go. "He can get so cranky sometimes. I hope he goes to take a nap." "Speaking of naps, Dr. K., we're pretty tired too," said Paige, yawning for effect. "You want to sleep now?" he asked. "Anything but chat with you," said Leile. "Fair enough. See you next experiment." Dr. K disappeared from the screen. "So..." said Paige. "Yeah..." said Dio. The four stood in silence for awhile. "I still can't believe he was able to trick us and kidnap us," said Leile. "It's something we'll never live down," said Trey. "At least we had a hand in saving the world," said Dio. "I think we've earned a nap," Paige said. "Right," said Leile. THE END Credits roll... >“HAHAHAHAH!” said Akane. “RANMA WILL BE BREAST SUBJECT OF >ALIENS!” MYSTERY SUBURBAN THEATER 3000 http://suburbanmark.tripod.com/ mst_mark@yahoo.com Season the First --------- 101 - "Is this true?" Pt. 1 (Cardcaptors) 102 - "Is this true?" Pt. 2 (Cardcaptors) 103 - "The Gundam Wing Story" / "Dear Nintendo" (Gundam Wing / Pokemon) 104 - "Cheerleading Competition" Pt. 1 (Card Captor Sakura) 105 - "Cheerleading Competition" Pt. 2 (Card Captor Sakura) 106 - "Ash Is My Baby" (Pokemon) 107 - "The Bet" (Final Fantasy 7) 108 - "Ranma the Spy" / "Ranma Vs. Aliens" (Ranma 1/2)